Most of us are extremely hard on ourselves.  In the privacy of our inner thoughts, we spend a lot of time judging ourselves harshly, pointing out our failings, and beating ourselves up for every misstep.  We say things to ourselves, about ourselves, that we would never utter about someone we loved.  And this dark voice in our heads contributes to depression, anxiety, low motivation, and relationship troubles.

Most of us have tried to change these thoughts.  We read inspirational quotes and try repeating positive mantras.  Yet these strategies often don’t really stick.  Ironically, when we struggle to benefit from positive self-talk, we chalk it up to another personal failure.  But there’s a reason these efforts are doomed to fail.  This is because we don’t really believe them.  Changing our inner thoughts about ourselves requires more than trying to insert a few positive thoughts in a sea of self-criticism.  We have to look deeper at our core beliefs about ourselves if we’re to have any lasting change. 

Many people are not even aware that beneath these negative thoughts we have about ourselves is a much deeper belief that we are not really worthy, not worthy of love, success, happiness. Or we believe that our worth is conditional, that we must earn our self-worth by being perfect, beautiful, constantly tending to others needs, making lots of money, the list goes on and on. 

After years of working with people who suffer with critical self-talk, it has become clear to me that many of us need to focus on reclaiming our self-worth.   If we begin to understand our deeper beliefs about self-worth, we can start creating a more positive relationship with ourselves.  Only then will we learn to love ourselves without the pressure to constantly earn or prove our worth.  

Recognize the Unhealthy Messages You Carry About Your Self-Worth

How we feel about ourselves is something we learn throughout our lives from interactions with our world.  We begin developing feelings about our worth during childhood when we ask the adults in our lives for attention and care.  In adolescence, we look to our peers to determine how to fit in, be accepted, have value to others.  And throughout our lives we continue comparing ourselves to others in our culture and communities.  Social media has contributed to an explosion of these social comparisons.  We evaluate our personal worth based on what we see as valued around us.

Many of us did not have parents capable of listening to our feelings and responding to our needs.  Often we learned that our worth must be earned.  Maybe attention and support was only given when we had perfect grades or made the team or sacrificed ourselves to take care of others. Maybe it felt unacceptable to be our true selves. And all too often, our Western culture determines value based on external things like looking incredible, being financial success, and being popular.  No wonder we struggle to have a strong sense of worth and wind up viewing ourselves as failures.

It’s time to ask yourself, how do you determine your worth?  In the quiet of your mind when no one is listening, how do you judge yourself?  Do you focus on appearance factors, such as how flat your stomach is, how much you weigh, whether others are attracted to you?  Do you judge yourself more by how professionally successful you are, how prestigious your job, how much money you make?  Or is your value based more on relationships in your life, whether you have a big group of friends, if you’re constantly caretaking, or whether you are loved?  Maybe you only feel good about yourself if you’re highly productive, performing perfectly, juggling a million tasks, crossing everything off your to do list? Be honest with yourself.  The clearer you are about how you measure your worth, the more effectively you can change it.

Challenge Unhealthy Beliefs that Hold You Back

Most of us have unhealthy beliefs we carry about how we earn value in this world.  We determine our personal worth based on external factors that we can’t fully control.  And we often undervalue our unique strengths and gifts.  Notice where these messages came from for you.  How did you learn to value this quality above all else?  What did you observe growing up about what it takes to earn attention and acceptance?  What are your examples of people who seem successful and what makes them that way?

Ask yourself whether this measure of self-worth still works for you.  Give yourself permission to challenge old notions of what it takes to earn value.  Is this who you still want to be?  Is this how you believe people earn love and acceptance?  Would you teach someone you love to measure their self-worth based on this?  If your answers are no, no, and no, then it’s time to rebuild your self-worth from within.

Rebuilding Self-Worth from Within

We all have the capacity to change our core beliefs about who we are.  What if you allowed yourself to feel a deep sense of self-worth without having to do or be anything?  This gift could open up the possibility of loving yourself unconditionally.  This means learning to fully accept and love yourself exactly as you are.  Practice fully acknowledging who you are, in all your complicated glory. 

How you go about creating a more compassionate belief about yourself is very personal.  There’s no formula or one right way to do this.  Trust your own style and process.  You can explore your feelings of worth through meditation, journaling, art, or talking about it with people you love and trust.  You can create a gratitude practice of appreciating yourself for a moment at a time.  Let yourself take a deep dive into being fully present with yourself as you shed old, unhealthy beliefs about how to judge your worth. Peel away the messaging that your worth is something you must earn.  You don’t need to look outside yourself to be whole.  You can fully accept yourself in the process of change.

Rebuilding your sense of unconditional self-worth is a practice.  It takes time and intention to gradually release yourself from old messages that no longer serve you.  It’s helpful to enlist support in the process.  Maybe you have a close friend or family member to share this experience with, someone who loves you and will support your efforts to love yourself more.  Maybe it would be helpful to work on this with a trained therapist who could explore your core beliefs and help you create new ones.  You choose the path that works best for you.  The key is to keep practicing this act of self-liberation by consciously, intentionally allowing yourself to believe you are worthy at your core.

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog.  If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling an appointment at Lakefront Psychology, LLC for a psychotherapy consultation, please call 216-870-9816.

The post Stopping the Cycle of Negative Self-Talk for Good: It’s Time to Reclaim Self-Worth appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

Let’s face it.  The holidays are stressful.  Routines are turned upside down, expectations are high, and the emotional triggers are everywhere.  Maybe this year feels overwhelming with family and work events, endless obligations.  Maybe this year feels lonely and empty, wishing your situation was different than it is.  Maybe this year you’re dreading family gatherings and hot topic debates.  Or just maybe this year you’re ready to try something new and reclaim your joy.

While the holidays may inherently cause stress, we can choose how we respond to these stressors.  We can try breaking old patterns and entering into each moment with greater grace and compassion.  Challenge yourself to try just one new strategy this week.

Instead of rigidly attaching yourself to a fantasy of how things SHOULD be, try enjoying WHAT IS.  When we focus on how people, events, interactions should be, we are robbed of appreciating what is right in front of us.  We may dream of recreating childhood memories or expect everything to go perfectly.  Be honest about these fantasies.  They are typically unrealistic and a setup for disappointment.  Instead, if we allowed ourselves to shed these burdensome expectations, we might find more ease and humor in the reality of our daily moments.  So the visit to Santa wasn’t blissfully joyful or the dinner with family wasn’t filled with entirely pleasant conversations. There was arguing, frustration, and tears in these idyllic family moments. But perhaps there were also moments to enjoy a child’s hand in yours, the great food shared, or singing along to the radio by yourself in the car.  Find the real moments of joy and celebrate them.

Instead of seeking others’ approval and understanding, try focusing on self-compassion.  We all want to be truly understood and seen by others.  It’s normal to seek this kind of validation, especially from the people we are closest to.  Yet it if we do not already feel self-compassion, we are left vulnerable and sensitive to rejection.  In fact, we may assume rejection even when the other person doesn’t intend it.  We must first give ourselves love and understanding so that we don’t really need it from others.  Others do not need to see the world the way we do or agree with our opinions for us to feel okay.  We can feel grounded and whole in our own hearts and let go of needing validation from others.

Instead of waiting for others to listen to you, try listening to others.  True listening for  understanding is rare in daily conversation.  More often, we listen just long enough for formulate a response.  So we’re really only half listening as we think of a witty remark or impressive statement or how this story relates to our own lives.  Yet we all just want others to really hear us.  So try giving to others what you seek.  Try listening with an open heart and the willingness to take someone else’s perspective. You do not have to agree with them to hear them. You will find yourself speaking less and learning more.  You may even find yourself feeling more closely connected to the people in your life. 

Instead of trying to make others happy, try taking responsibility for your own happiness.  Everyone is in charge of their own happiness.  This may seem like an obvious statement, yet we find ourselves frequently feeling responsible for other’s well-being.  We get sucked into trying to create magic for others, needing them to show joy and appreciation for us to feel successful.   We get disappointed and sad when the people we care about aren’t happy.  Yet their feelings of happiness are fleeting and not within our control at all.  If we take responsibility for only our OWN happiness, then others won’t need to change, perform, or fit into our expectations in order for us to be joyful.  This means listening to your heart and responding to your needs from moment to moment.  You’re in charge of finding the joy for yourself.  More on this topic in the next Lakefront Blog post.

Instead of running yourself ragged, try setting aside time to rest.  It can be easy to get over scheduled and fill every available weekend moment with activities.  You may actually want to attend each and every activity as well as wrap gifts, bake cookies, and decorate.  But even these enjoyable activities will lose their spark when you’re totally exhausted.  Give yourself permission to set aside time for rest and rejuvenation regularly.  Don’t wait until every errand is crossed off your list before you put your feet up and relax.  Get to bed on time and pace the activities to feel your best.  Think of balancing the activities that give you energy with those that suck away your energy.

Instead of feeling obligated to serve everyone’s needs, try setting healthy limits and saying no.  It’s important to notice when we start doing things with resentment.  We might agree to take on tasks or go to events simply because we feel obligated or think we owe it to someone.  This can leave us feeling irritable and bitter.  Choosing to say no and set limits is an act of love for ourselves and the people in our lives.  When we choose to do those things that genuinely feel meaningful and that we can put our full hearts into, then others know that our “yes” is a true yes.  We can be more present and fully enjoy our choices when we set healthy limits.  Remember, you’re not responsible to make others happy.

This recipe for holiday joy involves a daily practice, even a moment to moment choice, to try doing things differently.  It’s tough to change old habits and easy to get sucked into familiar conflicts, guilt, pressure.  Even with the best intentions you’ll find yourself hollering at your kids, comparing yourself to others, wearing yourself thin. Be kind to yourself as you make efforts to do it differently this year.  Every little shift counts. Celebrate your efforts.  And allow yourself to seek support in your journey, whether it’s from family, friends, or a professional.

Written by Suzanne Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, postpartum issues, wellness, relationships, and parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with Dr. Smith, please contact Lakefront Psychology at 216-870-9816.

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