“I love my kids, but I just need a break.”  This is the refrain I hear from dedicated, loving parents over and over again this past year.  It’s often said with a hint of shame for feeling so frustrated and fed up with the constant demands of parenting.  We live in a society that says we should love our kids unconditionally, and if we’re frustrated or annoyed by them, then we’re bad parents.  Yet it’s amazing how much parents can simultaneously love their children wholeheartedly while also desperately needing a break from the role of parenting. 

Parents are experiencing high levels of stress these days with inadequate resources to cope with it, according to a review by the American Psychological Association. The previous blog post in this series highlights some of the many reasons parents are grappling with sustained stress over the past 18 months. 

Stages of burnout

Psychologists have identified three stages of burnout.  First there is the sense of overwhelming exhaustion.  Exhaustion comes in many forms.  Parents of younger children tend to describe the physical fatigue resulting from endless caretaking and lack of sleep.  Parents of older children describe the emotional fatigue of managing the conflicts and worries of the adolescent world. 

The next phase is characterized by a drive to disengage.  Parents want to distance themselves from their kids to preserve their energy, often fantasizing about escape.  They feel so overwhelmed and incapable of meeting the needs of the family that parents find themselves emotionally protecting themselves. 

This leads to the final stage which is a lack of fulfillment.  Parents no longer find joy in parenting.  They go through the motions of keeping the family going while feeling empty inside.  They often describe feeling distressed, shame, and guilt about not being the engaged, enthusiastic parents they wish to be. 

No matter which stage of parental burnout you may be experiencing right now, it’s possible to take steps to manage the stress and exhaustion of parenting.  Each effort we make to care for ourselves will benefit the family system.

Strategies to Manage Burnout

Acknowledge the Suffering.  Managing a painful situation always begins by honoring the experience.  We must first own the fact that we are in a burnout state and recognize the full range of consequences we’re experiencing.  We need to identify the feelings of frustration, overwhelm, exhaustion, hopelessness.  Naming the feeling helps us find compassion for ourselves.  Take time to sit with these feelings when they arise rather than judging or denying them.  This may result in tears or a sense of heaviness.  Know that this is not permanent.  Emotions pass more quickly when we allow them to flow through us rather than avoiding, minimizing, or denying them.  Be gentle with yourself.  The link below has more on sitting with difficult feelings.

Reach Out for Support.  Loneliness and shame only increase the suffering of burnout.  It’s important to talk with people about your experience and ask for help when possible.  Don’t wait until you’re already at your wit’s end.  Try to connect with a network of understanding, compassionate friends to lift one another up and navigate the challenges together. Ask for practical help to share the burdens of parenting.  This may mean coordinating carpools and childcare swapping in ways that still feel safe with COVID-19 risks.  Often parents can help one another out in ways that benefit each family. 

Many people struggle to feel safe enough to ask friends or family for help, particularly those who have felt abandoned or let down in the past.  It can feel vulnerable to ask for help.  This is when it may be wise to seek professional help from a licensed therapist who can personalize a plan for you to manage your stress and process your feelings.

Take Micro Breaks.  Parents must prioritize creating time for meaningful breaks from the labor of parenting.  While your fantasy of a month-long beach vacation may not be realistic, this does not mean you should continue plowing through your days with no respite.  Every job requires breaks because it improves our performance.  This often means doing less of the many responsibilities and chores of parenting in order to offer more to yourself.  Imagine creating a steady practice of arranging your daily life to include time reserved to replenish yourself.

What this looks like will be different for each of us.  Think about how you renew your energy.  This could look like taking a walk outside, reading a few chapters of a book, catching up with a friend, working up a sweat, mediating, baking, dancing to fun music.  The options are endless, and your choice may vary from day to day.  The point is that we cannot pour from an empty cup.  And parents must refill their emotional, mental, and physical cups on a regular basis.  Trust that children benefit from the modeling of parents who practice good self-care.

Repair Your Relationships.  Burnout often results in parents either lashing out at the people we love or neglecting our relationships from sheer exhaustion.  Be compassionate and forgiving with yourself when this happens.  It does not mean you’re a bad person or a bad parent or a bad spouse.  You’re simply responding from a place of depletion and helplessness.  Beating yourself up for these mistakes is not only harmful to your well-being but also prevents the opportunity for repair. 

Know that the work of repairing these relationships is meaningful.  It makes relationships stronger, closer.  Take responsibility for your actions that feel inconsistent with your values.  You may need to apologize for something you said or how you raised your voice.  Maybe you overinflated a small moment and threw a big fit.  Own it.  Then make amends.  Do the work of reconnecting and finding common ground again.  Focus on being fully present with your loved ones without distractions, even for just 10 minutes each day.  This effort will build a sense of connection and safety.

Let Go of Perfectionist Goals.  Much of parental stress comes from all the “shoulds” in our minds…all the messages from our culture and media about how parents should act and feel.  We hold ourselves up to unrealistic standards to be perfectly nurturing, present, encouraging, and positive.  In the end, our inner critic tells us we always come up short.  We feel like failures.  And this only compounds burnout. 

Reframing how we speak to ourselves in our minds can help us have more compassion for ourselves so we can more effectively utilize the resources we still have.  One way to do this involves swapping out the “should” in our minds.  Rather than saying “I should be playing with my kids more,” while feeling exhausted and wracked with guilt, try swapping out the language and saying, “It would be great to have more energy to play with my kids.”  This language allows us to acknowledge our current situation without shame so we can focus our attention on our good intentions. 

Allow yourself to let go of expectations that involve meeting others’ approval or keeping up appearances. You don’t need to parent the way anyone else does. You don’t need to do it all, all the time.  You can make choices that prioritize your wellness as a way of caring deeply for your family.  This often means cutting back and saying no.  This means giving yourself grace to be messy and authentic.  Eventually, it means loving our imperfect selves.  And this is a beautiful message for children to learn.

Find Meaning Through Gratitude.  In the daily grind of life, we can lose track of what we most love about being a parent.  We often ruminate on the tough moments, playing out in our minds how things went sideways over and over again.  We beat ourselves up and feel even more exhausted and disappointed.  But we can refocus our minds.  We can make a conscious effort to spend time thinking about the highlights in each day.  Notice the moments when your children are kind, funny, sweet, helpful.  Notice what you love about them.  Notice the moments when you are connecting with them, reminding them they are loved, safe, and understood.  Notice when you have fun.  Notice the moments when others are there to support you.  Notice when you make a choice to take care of yourself.

Finding one moment a day that fills your heart with gratitude will help reconnect you with the joy of parenting again.  The more we recognize and spend energy on what is going well in our families, the better we feel about ourselves and our lives. 

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form. 

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Many people have excitedly awaited the COVID-19 vaccine as a step toward feeling protected and safer to return to a life that looks a bit more “normal.”  The idea of getting vaccinated to prevent serious illness and death from this virus holds great promise as a relief from so much stress and worry of the past year.  Yet many people are experiencing a new kind of stress after receiving the COVID-19 vaccine.

Once vaccinated and beyond the 2-week window of efficacy, the journey begins for each of us to re-establish normal living.  After a year of living with COVID-19 restrictions, there are many new decisions to be made.  Initially, we may feel great excitement and hope as we plan get-togethers with the people we’ve missed and imagine resuming activities and events that had been out of reach for a year.  But as these possibilities become a reality, we are once again grappling to decide which behaviors feel safe now.  Can we have dinner with friends unmasked?  Should I go to the store during peak times?  Is it safe for my kids to play at the park unmasked?  We second guess ourselves and feel guilt after a social event.  Was that a safe party to attend?  Did we put ourselves or others at risk by going to that event? Are people judging me as too risky, too paranoid, too introverted?

Unexpected Stress

There is a great deal of unexpected stress that comes with transitioning our lives from pandemic lockdown fear to vaccine hope.  Psychologist describe stress as anything that requires us to make adjustment in our daily lives.  We readily identify stressful triggers that are difficult events like a diagnosis of a medical illness, job loss, relationship conflict, or financial strain.  However, stressful triggers can also be positive events like a promotion, going on vacation, moving to a new home, or financial gains.  Any event that requires us to shift out of our routines and make adjustments in how we think or feel about our world will naturally create a stress response in the body and mind. 

The COVID-19 vaccine is one of these good stressors that causes us to make new adjustments.  We must rethink how we live our lives.  We must negotiate new decisions about our social obligations, work demands, and family events.  This puts us out of what had become our familiar zone. Activities that used to be familiar now feel like a strain or awkward. We simply didn’t have much practice with social skills and activities outside the home.  It feels like more effort to sustain casual conversations or make small talk.  We may be feeling greater pressure to attend social events and resume busy family and work schedules.  We must again navigate tricky conversations with family, friends, and neighbors as we discuss what everyone feels safe doing. 

COVID-19 stay-at-home orders had some unforeseen benefits that we may be reluctant to give up.  Work expectations may be changing and we may have mixed feelings about transitioning back to in person interactions.  This takes an transition requires effort, even though it used to be familiar. Many people who never had travel or social anxiety in the past have found new discomfort when faced with a trip or social event.  And those who are familiar with travel and social anxiety are often feeling greater intensity of these challenges after a year of avoiding them. 

We may also be surprised by feelings of disappointment and sadness when our life with the COVID-19 vaccine still differs in important ways from our pre-pandemic life.  Attending events with masks, social distancing, and smaller numbers may still feel frustrating.  We may be craving the comfort of not worrying about airborne infections as we intermingle with friends and strangers.  So the COVID-19 safe graduation ceremony, funeral, or exercise class may feel close to what we miss from our old lives while still missing some essential element.  And we are left feeling dissatisfied and somehow more unfulfilled.

This stress has a significant effect on our bodies and minds.  Exhaustion is a common first sign of this stress.  We are taxing our minds as we debate all of these new decisions and revive our social skills.  Sleep may be disturbed.  Muscle tension resulting pain and headaches are more common.  Many people describe increased irritability and mood swings.  Our concentration and memory may be suffering.  Children, who are also experiencing this stress, may display more acting out behaviors and emotional outbursts.  If you are experiencing these discomforts, you are not alone. Understanding and coping with this stress is key to moving through this transition with a bit less distress.

Stress Coping Strategies

Recognize your own signs of stress.  It’s important that each of us take the time to check in with how we’re feeling regularly to remain aware of when we’re feeling increased stress.  We each will have our own red flags.  Observe your body and behavior to recognize whether you’re someone who feels stress as a racing heartbeat, backache, insomnia, over-eating, restlessness, jaw clenching, irritability, or any of the many other ways our bodies experience stress.  Know what your signs are so you can monitor how they change throughout the day or week.  This will allow you to more effectively intervene with your stress while it’s at a manageable level rather than waiting until you hit overwhelm.  The articles below provide some useful guidance for coping with stress.

Set aside time for rest.  We may feel so excited to fill our schedules with activities that we’ve been missing that we end up feeling over-extended and exhausted.  Plan ahead for more rest than you think you’ll need.  Give yourself a day of quiet to recover after social events.  Go to bed early.  Create a bedtime routine that is soothing and consistent.  Schedule brief breaks in your day of quiet and stillness.  Your body will better recover from stress when you have plenty of rest throughout your days rather than waiting to crash into bed late at night.

Prioritize your social engagements and activities.  You don’t need to say yes to every opportunity that comes your way.  Start slowly as you focus on the people and activities you’ve missed most during this past year.  Resist the urge to fulfill every social obligation that comes your way.  You are still permitted to have boundaries and say no.  Even when you’re not concerned about health risks or COVID-19 infections, it’s okay to choose to opt out of activities that will drain you.  Many people observed that one of the unexpected benefits of quarantining has been a release from social obligations and constant busyness.  We can learn from this experience to protect a balance in our daily lives.

Create a plan that you can stick to for awhile.  During a time when you’re feeling calm and clear headed, sit down and write out what type of activities feel safe for you and your family based on good science and reliable resources.  It’ll be a useful guide for the moments when you’re feeling anxious or pressured.  You won’t need to constantly question or debate your decisions when you run each one past your plan. Only revise the plan during moments when you again feel calm and are adjusting your plan based on new information from a source you trust. 

Practice grace and patience. It’s helpful to set low expectations as you slowly figure out what feels safe for now. It’s okay to change your mind as you take in new information or try things out. You don’t need to jump into the deep end right away. Envision gradually stepping into a new chapter of your daily life, so you can adjust slowly and pause when you need to. It’s important to offer this same grace and understanding to the people in our lives who are adjusting as well. No one has it all figured out and we’re all learning as we go. We do not need to waste energy judging others or fearing judgement. We can allow one another to work through this new phase in our own ways and at our own paces.

Now that we recognize that even wonderful opportunities, like the health benefits of the COVID-19 vaccine, can create stress for our bodies and minds, we can learn to effectively cope with these changes.  With compassionate self-care it is possible to manage this unexpected stress of life with the COVID-19 vaccine while still gently opening up your social world and creating a new normal. 

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog.  If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com.

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Many highly sensitive people struggle to understand and accept this part of themselves. They tend to undervalue the positive aspects of this sensitivity and instead keep wishing to be less emotional, less reactive, less hurt.  Learning to understand and embrace your highly sensitive self is the key to emotional freedom.  When we befriend this part of who we are, we can feel so much better about ourselves, our relationships, and our world. 

Understanding the Highly Sensitive Person  

We must first understand the common qualities of the highly sensitive person.  We often assume that everyone thinks or feels the way we do.  So it’s important to understand that all of these qualities run on a continuum.  Each person experiences sensitivities in different ways and to different degrees. In fact, you may find these traits vary within you on different days or when under different stress levels.  

Sensitive to Oneself: 

• Highly aware to physical changes in the body such as muscle tension, poor sleep, stomach upset, or headaches. 
• Difficulty letting go of negative thoughts or feelings. 
• Being easily moved by beauty and joy as well as ugliness and hurt. 
• Tendency to be your own worst critic, ruminating on your personal flaws or perceived failures. 
• Passionate feelings about events in the world that seem wrong, unjust, or simply annoying. 

Sensitive to Others: 

• Attempting to read others’ emotions, anticipate their needs, and feeling responsible to manage these. 
• Worries about what others are thinking about you and tendency to take things personally, even when not intended this way. 
• Negatively compares self to others. 
• Tendency to feel judged, rejected, criticized, or offended by others. 
• Tries to hide emotions for fear of being vulnerable or seen as “too sensitive.” 

Sensitive to the Environment: 

• Feels uncomfortable with loud noises, bright lights, pungent smells, or strong flavors. 
• Irritated and distracted by physical sensations such as too hot, too cold, tight clothing, or scratchy fabrics. 
• Overwhelmed in large crowds or when a lot is happening simultaneously. 
• Need for downtime to get grounded, relax, and reset. 
• Highly upset when watching the news or disturbing tv shows and movies. 
• Startles easily to loud noises or being surprised. 

Embracing the Highly Sensitive Person 

In order to begin embracing the highly sensitive qualities in ourselves, we must recognize all the positive aspects this brings.  Highly sensitive people have wonderful traits that create an enriching life, improve the lives of others, and benefit the world.  Learning to appreciate these strengths is the first step to befriending our sensitivities. 

Benefits of the Highly Sensitive Person: 

• Ability to feel deeply and experience the full range of emotions more intensely, including joy.  
• Great capacity for empathy and compassion which allows others to feel safe and understood.   
• Highly responsive caregivers who excel in roles that involve nurturing others.
• Generous givers who often volunteer and work passionately for social causes.   
• Ability to pick up knowledge and skills more intuitively, utilizing those attuned senses.   
• Awareness to details and subtleties that others may miss.   
• Excel at tasks that require accuracy, speed, and noticing minor differences.   
• Ability to focus and process ideas and material deeply, synthesizing information and allowing opportunities for creative problem solving.   
• Highly conscientious and considerate of others.   
• Capacity for creativity and artistic expressions. 

Building Emotional Tolerance: 

Once you’ve begun celebrating your strengths, you can then learn to ride the waves of emotions without fear of drowning.  This means building emotional tolerance.  We must learn to recognize our experiences and practice sitting with these sensations without judging them.  Feelings do not need to be given a valence of either “good” or “bad.”  All feelings are normal and important.  Our sensitivity helps us gather information and understand the world. 

When we allow ourselves to curiously notice our feelings, we can more thoughtfully process and safely express them. We no longer need to immediately dismiss, numb, or avoid them.  We no longer need to brace ourselves and try to resist the sensations or make them go away.  We also don’t need to immediately explode and vent our feelings all over those closest to us.

First, notice what you’re feeling and give it a name.  “I’m feeling hurt.”  “I’m worried.”  “I’m getting overwhelmed.”  Next, allow yourself to notice how this emotion presents in your body.  Tune into how your body may tense up with a feeling.  Then shift your focus to acceptance.  Remind yourself that this feeling may have a message for you.  Let yourself honor your own experience.  You can tolerate this feeling without needing to react immediately or getting overcome by it. 

You might imagine riding a wave of feeling in a way that is more relaxed, accepting.  You don’t need to enjoy this feeling, you only need to allow space for it.  Every feeling does not require a reaction.  Accepting and owning the feeling is meaningful work.  And often the feeling passes more quickly when we stop resisting it and simply accept it as part of who we are.  Feelings change. Each emotion is temporary.

Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts:   

Finally, you may need to challenge some of unhelpful you’ve learned from growing up as a highly sensitive person in this world.  Over the years, you may have had experiences of becoming emotionally expressive and crying in inappropriate situations.  You may have been told that you are “too sensitive” or “weak.”  As you learn to appreciate the positive aspects of being a highly sensitive person and tolerate the waves of feelings as they roll through you, you’ll find yourself more comfortable in your own skin.  Using helpful thoughts like, “Being highly sensitive is both a gift and a responsibility,” or “It takes great strength to be emotionally vulnerable,” can help dispel the stigma you may carry about yourself.   

You can also challenge your own assumptions that others are often judging or rejecting you. Feeling rejected does not mean someone intended to reject you.  Remind yourself, “I’m highly sensitive to feeling rejected and may be incorrectly assuming the worst.”  When you recognize your triggers and blind spots, you allow opportunities to correct these assumptions and feel better in relationships.  Assertive communication and honesty can build bridges and reduce suffering.      

Seeking Support: 

Highly sensitive people often get a lot out of going to therapy.  Therapy allows you to explore your emotions safely and develop healthy ways of tolerating and expressing them.  It’s also an opportunity to explore assumptions you make about being criticized or rejected and develop healthy communication strategies to work through these experiences in your life.   

Learning to embrace yourself with your highly sensitive qualities will allow you to move through the world with greater authenticity and grace.  You can relish in the beautiful benefits of your sensitivity without getting stuck in the unhelpful resistance to feelings.

Written by Suzanne Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in additional articles about mental health, postpartum issues, wellness, relationships, and parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling a consultation with Dr. Smith, please reach out via the contact page or call 216-870-9816.

The post Understanding & Embracing Yourself as a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

Emotions are running high these days.  It can feel like a rollercoaster with quick shifts and sudden drops that turn your stomach.  Other times it can feel like relentless challenges continually crashing into you, like waves in a rough sea.  We’ve all experienced losses in the past year, big and small.  And these losses may spur feelings of sadness, anger, resentment, longing, loneliness, or fear.  These are painful feelings we often try to avoid or ignore.  Understanding why we avoid these very natural feelings may help us better process them and reduce our suffering.   

Why do we avoid our feelings? 

1. We dismiss our own feelings as trivial.  We believe that we don’t have a right to certain feelings.  We may compare ourselves to others, assuming that other people certainly have bigger problems so we shouldn’t be so upset.  We may feel like we haven’t suffered enough to justify our own feelings.  Our lives might appear fairly charmed on the surface, and we fear appearing whiny or complaining if we acknowledge our own struggles. This unhelpful belief is based on the idea that emotions are relative rather than personal. Your emotional journey is real and matters.    
2. We expect to feel better quickly.  Even when we feel like we may have a “legitimate reason” to have a feeling, we often rush ourselves to get over it.  We tell ourselves that we should be healed by now, as if there’s a specific time limit for emotional suffering and processing.  This unhelpful belief does not take into account the natural ebb and flow of emotional healing which takes time, intention, and patience. You heal more fully when you allow yourself all the space and time it takes.
3. We fear becoming overwhelmed by our feelings.  Sometimes we’re aware that our feelings are real and genuine.  But there is great fear that if we allow ourselves to sit with our feelings, we may drown in them and never resurface.  We imagine the feeling getting so intense that we become unable to function.  This unhelpful belief rises when we do not trust our ability to cope with big emotions.  Perhaps we were never taught how to feel deeply and express ourselves safely in a way that led to a sense of peace and healing.  Developing healthy ways of processing and expressing emotions is a learnable skill.
4. We fear losing control of ourselves.  The other fear we have when it comes to stepping into deep emotions is the fear that we’ll lose control of our behavior.  We fear that we’ll act out in ways that are harmful or dangerous.  This unhelpful belief stems from childhood messaging that certain feelings are “bad” or “wrong.”  Many people grow up observing adults who have unhealthy ways of expressing these tough emotions through yelling, hitting, or abandoning. You can break these old messages and patterns by learning to recognize, tolerate, and express your feelings safely.

What happens when we avoid our feelings? 

When we shut down our feelings it creates stress in our bodies and minds that builds up over time.  Eventually, this stress finds a way of presenting itself in the form of physical symptoms, emotional distress, or relationship conflicts.  These symptoms can further stress and complicate our lives when not directly addressed.  See if any of these common symptoms of built-up emotional distress is familiar to you. 

Symptoms of Avoiding Feelings 

How do we learn healthy ways of processing painful feelings? 

In order to understand how to approach feelings in a healthy way, it’s useful to look at the many ways we actively avoid feelings.  We may try to numb or distract ourselves with mindless phone scrolling, tv binging, or excessive alcohol use.  We may harden our hearts and convince ourselves that we are stoic and unemotional.  We may busy ourselves with endless tasks and projects that keep our minds occupied. We may work really hard to look happy and put together on the outside so no one will see the suffering inside.  We try to convince ourselves we’re fine, when we’re anything but fine.  I’m sure some of these strategies sound familiar to all of us. 

All of these efforts to avoid feelings are normal and can even be healthy distractions when used on a short-term basis. Afterall, there are times in life when it’s not appropriate to work through our feelings in the moment and we have to make it through the day til we are someplace safe to let that guard down. The trouble arises when we engage in these avoidance behaviors all the time and leave no space for emotional processing.  We lose our balance and fear the quietness of our own minds. 

There are many ways to begin processing your own emotions that are safe and gentle.  Below are links to articles that walk you through exercises to feel grounded, develop emotional tolerance, and stop the cycle of busyness. There’s no single strategy that will work for each person all the time. It’s about developing an awareness of your inner emotions and a variety of safe ways to express them.

Emotional expressions are healthy when they match the feeling you’re having and do not endanger yourself or anyone else. So allow yourself to explore what feels like an emotional release to you. You may cry, holler, write in a journal, make art, talk to a loved one, curl up under blankets, go for a run. Explore!

If you feel you could use more guidance or support as you process your difficult emotions, it’s wise to schedule an appointment with a skilled mental health professional. A trained therapist can help you safely uncover and work through your feelings as well as offer strategies to cope and move forward.

Written by Suzanne Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in additional articles about mental health, postpartum issues, wellness, relationships, and parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling a consultation with Dr. Smith, please reach out via the contact page or call 216-870-9816.

The post Why We Avoid Feelings & How it Hurts Us appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

After two weeks of psychotherapy sessions largely focused on how to cope with the impact COVID-19 has had on our lives, I’ve decided to summarize the advice I’ve given and share it in hopes that others might find it helpful.

1. Acknowledge the stress.  These are very strange times.  We are all adjusting to living our lives in new ways and significantly altering our plans for the near future.  The layers of stress we’re experiencing are difficult to even identify.  Yet it’s important to be real and honest with yourself about the aspects of your life that have changed.  Notice all the various ways you are adjusting.  In particular, notice the constant burden of making decisions about things you never even had to consider, like whether a trip to the grocery store is worth the risk right now or maybe a day or two from now.  Every decision we’re making feels like it carries this enormous weight of whether we are putting ourselves or others’ health at risk.  This “moral fatigue” as it has been called exhausts our emotional and cognitive resources. 
2. Develop a new normal.  We humans tend to do better with routine of some sort.  This is an opportunity to perhaps figure out what routine feels best for your body and your life.  As regular work schedules and school schedules have dramatically changed, you may find yourself with more options about how to organize your time.  You do not need to abide by the same schedule as your sister or neighbor or amazingly organized best friend.  Take your time and listen to your body’s natural rhythms to find out when it feels best for you to wake and sleep, to eat and be active, to work and rest.  As much as your life allows, try to follow a daily routine that works well with your natural preferences.  And allow the others in your life to follow their own natural routines as much as possible as well.
3. Eat and drink in ways that nourish you.  It is completely natural during times of stress to seek comfort in our favorite treats.  We crave something to give us a dose of good feelings or numb the uncomfortable ones.  This is okay in moderation.  In fact, it can be real mood booster now and then.  Just be aware of your own patterns and thoughtfully create balance.  Add healthy foods that boost your body’s health and lots of water to stay hydrated.  Notice if your eating and drinking patterns leave you actually feeling worse, heavy with guilt or bloat or stomach aches.  And use these moments to gently learn about yourself so you can make an effort to correct course for the next day.
4. Chunk your time.  As this period of social distancing stretches out without a clear deadline, we can easily get overwhelmed envisioning how we will cope with this over the course of weeks or months.  This is a recipe for anxiety.  Try instead to set yourself with smaller intervals of time to focus on.  Perhaps you could envision what your week looks like or maybe keep it to one day at a time.  On difficult times, it’s helpful to focus on a smaller segment of time, like what you’ll do just this morning or this hour.  Allow yourself to be flexible when your chunk of time doesn’t work out quite as planned.  Enter your next chunk of time with a new plan.
5. Create things to look forward to.  As you envision different chunks of time that you can handle, make certain to plan things that you will enjoy.  You can plan special meals to make or treats to bake.  You can plan virtual meet ups with friends or movie marathons.  Be creative and playful with this.  Think about dress up days, dance parties, game nights.  If you have other people in your house, everyone can come up with something they’d like to look forward to.  The more creative you are, the more your relatively empty calendar can fill with fun highlights to break up the days. 
6. Get outside.  Nature is continuing business as usual.  And being outside is very grounding for our nervous systems.  Even stepping outside to take a few breaths of fresh air can create a shift in our mental focus and energy.  Let yourself feel all of your senses outside.  You can try focusing on one at a time: notice what you hear, smell, feel, see.  Try to get out each day no matter the weather.  You might find that there’s still beauty in nature as cool breezes blow or misty rain falls.  Try looking around you like you haven’t since you were a child.  Get down low and notice the flowers stretching out of the mud and the texture on the tree bark.  Notice how the clouds and sky changes throughout the day. 
7. Severely limit news exposure.  There is nothing more distressing these days than absorbing too much news.  While the urge to understand and know more about what’s going on is completely normal, it is essential to resist constant information seeking.  Choose one or two news sources you trust and limit yourself to reading or watching only these.  Choose one or two times a day to check in on these news sources and then give yourself permission to ignore news the rest of the day.  This allows you to return to the present moment in your own life rather than spreading your concern to the broader community and world all the time.  The more you can focus on your personal world, the more you can feel grounded in being okay right now.  Your job is to manage yourself and your family world.  That’s it.  As long as you continue to do your part to follow safe social distancing guidelines, you can let go of needing to change anything else.  Worrying about things beyond your realm of control is draining and does not really help anyone. 
8. Filter your social media.  Social media can be a source of comfort and humor during these challenging times.  However, it can also be a source of anxiety, pressure, terrifying news, and mis-information.  This is an excellent time to block or hide posts from people who are increasing your discomfort.  It’s also helpful to limit how often you check in with social media.  Try this: when you’re getting ready to open your social media, take a moment to notice how you’re feeling and how you want to feel.  Maybe you’re feeling bored and want some amusement.  Maybe you’re feeling tense and want some distraction.  Interesting.  Just notice this.  And then after you’ve browsed social media for awhile, tune back in to see how you feel.  If you find yourself feeling worse than you started, it’s an important piece of information.  You may want to limit how often or when you check in with social media just as you do with the news.  Give yourself healthy breaks and see how it feels.    
9. Connect with people you care about.  Technology is incredibly helpful right now to check in with people we can’t see in person right now.  Play around with the many online platforms to see people across different states, countries, or maybe just next door.  Make sure to check in with people you think may be vulnerable.  Think of the people in your life who may be lonely, depressed, anxious, in stressful living situations.  And don’t forget the people who may look really great on the surface but who are silently struggling beneath.  Ask people how they’re “really” doing.
10. Meditate.  Just try it.  Even if you’ve never meditated before, this is the perfect time to try listening to a guided meditation or practicing deep breathing.  This can last just 3-5 minutes and still have a significant impact.  When we take a break to meditate, we tune into our feelings and calm our nervous system.  This is the best way to become aware of how we’re doing and what we need to take care of ourselves.  Taking a minute to breathe deeply, just 5 to 7 breaths, is something we can do many times a day.  Think of it as a chance to reset your nervous system so you are less likely to build up tension and explode.  The more take these breaks, the less likely you are to hit your overwhelm threshold throughout the day.
11. Exercise when you have the energy.  Light to moderate physical exercise is good for the mood, the mind, and the body.  Pay attention to when you have the energy to exercise and be creative in finding ways to move.  There are many free online resources right now for guided exercise classes, yoga, and dance.  It can be helpful to have a friend virtually join you for exercise time so you can support one another and be accountable.  Listen to your body when you feel it’s too much, and give yourself permission to back off too.  Exercise is meant to be fun.  If you don’t feel better by the end of an exercise routine, it’s time to try something different.
12. Rest way more.  Stress is exhausting for the body and mind.  Expect yourself to need far more rest than usual.  Even after a good night’s sleep, you may find yourself tired by the middle of the day.  This is part of the stress response.  If possible, nap when your body needs it.  Even taking a break to sit still without any distractions can be beneficial.  It’s okay to not be productive and busy all the time.  Rest allows the mind a break from decision making and worry.  Rest allows the body to process all the stress hormones being released.  View rest as meaningful and productive in its own way. 
13. Expect kids to have meltdowns.  Kids are experiencing stress along with the rest of us.  It’s normal for them to have big feelings and behavior outbursts right now.  They too need more rest, exercise, outside time, and ways to connect with friends.  They also need caretakers to be compassionate and gentle.  Parents can be powerful in setting the emotional tone of the home.  Prioritize a sense of safety and calm in the home over any other goals, including school assignments and chores. Protect kids from the news and harmful social media.  Listen to your kids’ feelings if they can verbalize them.  Offer extra comfort measures according to how your kid most likes to be loved.  Be honest with them about what’s going on in their personal worlds without overwhelming or frightening them.  And forgive them when they struggle or act out.  We all need extra grace.
14. Expect yourself to have meltdowns.  We adults are under stress that taxes our emotional reserve.  We are constantly needing to process new changes in our lives and our futures.  And many of us are also caregivers needing to process how these changes affect all the people we love.  It’s absolutely normal if you feel pretty much fine and comfortable one moment then find yourself overwhelmed and in tears the next.  Let yourself ride these waves of emotions right now and be extra gentle with yourself.  It’s helpful to name your feelings as they arise and imagine just softening into the sensations each feeling brings to your body.  The less we resist these big feelings, the more easily they can move through us.  Focusing on deep breaths is helpful during these intense times.  Seek support from someone you trust, someone you can be vulnerable with.  As we all share our own tough moments, we find that everyone has these experiences.  It feels less lonely. 
15. Be compassionate with yourself and others.  There is no more important time to practice self compassion than right now.  Give yourself so much love and patience.  Each time you lose your temper or end up spiraling down an anxiety hole, take a moment to view it as a learning opportunity and gently refocus your attention on the next best choice.  Forgive yourself over and over again.  Resist the tendency to beat yourself up for tough moments or fall into a pit of shame that leads to further self-sabotage or paralysis.  It is in this place of being loving and forgiving with ourselves that we can find emotional stability and be our best.    

The current stress presents a serious challenge to our mental health. If you find yourself struggling with anxiety or depressive symptoms in a way that feels overwhelming and not improved by these coping strategies, then it is time to reach out for professional help. Therapists nationwide are offering telehealth services to care for people in the comfort and safety of their homes. We are part of your team for wellness.

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog.  If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling an appointment at Lakefront Psychology, LLC for a psychotherapy consultation, please call 216-870-9816.

The post Coping Advice from a Psychologist During COVID-19 Social Distancing appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

Let’s face it.  The holidays are stressful.  Routines are turned upside down, expectations are high, and the emotional triggers are everywhere.  Maybe this year feels overwhelming with family and work events, endless obligations.  Maybe this year feels lonely and empty, wishing your situation was different than it is.  Maybe this year you’re dreading family gatherings and hot topic debates.  Or just maybe this year you’re ready to try something new and reclaim your joy.

While the holidays may inherently cause stress, we can choose how we respond to these stressors.  We can try breaking old patterns and entering into each moment with greater grace and compassion.  Challenge yourself to try just one new strategy this week.

Instead of rigidly attaching yourself to a fantasy of how things SHOULD be, try enjoying WHAT IS.  When we focus on how people, events, interactions should be, we are robbed of appreciating what is right in front of us.  We may dream of recreating childhood memories or expect everything to go perfectly.  Be honest about these fantasies.  They are typically unrealistic and a setup for disappointment.  Instead, if we allowed ourselves to shed these burdensome expectations, we might find more ease and humor in the reality of our daily moments.  So the visit to Santa wasn’t blissfully joyful or the dinner with family wasn’t filled with entirely pleasant conversations. There was arguing, frustration, and tears in these idyllic family moments. But perhaps there were also moments to enjoy a child’s hand in yours, the great food shared, or singing along to the radio by yourself in the car.  Find the real moments of joy and celebrate them.

Instead of seeking others’ approval and understanding, try focusing on self-compassion.  We all want to be truly understood and seen by others.  It’s normal to seek this kind of validation, especially from the people we are closest to.  Yet it if we do not already feel self-compassion, we are left vulnerable and sensitive to rejection.  In fact, we may assume rejection even when the other person doesn’t intend it.  We must first give ourselves love and understanding so that we don’t really need it from others.  Others do not need to see the world the way we do or agree with our opinions for us to feel okay.  We can feel grounded and whole in our own hearts and let go of needing validation from others.

Instead of waiting for others to listen to you, try listening to others.  True listening for  understanding is rare in daily conversation.  More often, we listen just long enough for formulate a response.  So we’re really only half listening as we think of a witty remark or impressive statement or how this story relates to our own lives.  Yet we all just want others to really hear us.  So try giving to others what you seek.  Try listening with an open heart and the willingness to take someone else’s perspective. You do not have to agree with them to hear them. You will find yourself speaking less and learning more.  You may even find yourself feeling more closely connected to the people in your life. 

Instead of trying to make others happy, try taking responsibility for your own happiness.  Everyone is in charge of their own happiness.  This may seem like an obvious statement, yet we find ourselves frequently feeling responsible for other’s well-being.  We get sucked into trying to create magic for others, needing them to show joy and appreciation for us to feel successful.   We get disappointed and sad when the people we care about aren’t happy.  Yet their feelings of happiness are fleeting and not within our control at all.  If we take responsibility for only our OWN happiness, then others won’t need to change, perform, or fit into our expectations in order for us to be joyful.  This means listening to your heart and responding to your needs from moment to moment.  You’re in charge of finding the joy for yourself.  More on this topic in the next Lakefront Blog post.

Instead of running yourself ragged, try setting aside time to rest.  It can be easy to get over scheduled and fill every available weekend moment with activities.  You may actually want to attend each and every activity as well as wrap gifts, bake cookies, and decorate.  But even these enjoyable activities will lose their spark when you’re totally exhausted.  Give yourself permission to set aside time for rest and rejuvenation regularly.  Don’t wait until every errand is crossed off your list before you put your feet up and relax.  Get to bed on time and pace the activities to feel your best.  Think of balancing the activities that give you energy with those that suck away your energy.

Instead of feeling obligated to serve everyone’s needs, try setting healthy limits and saying no.  It’s important to notice when we start doing things with resentment.  We might agree to take on tasks or go to events simply because we feel obligated or think we owe it to someone.  This can leave us feeling irritable and bitter.  Choosing to say no and set limits is an act of love for ourselves and the people in our lives.  When we choose to do those things that genuinely feel meaningful and that we can put our full hearts into, then others know that our “yes” is a true yes.  We can be more present and fully enjoy our choices when we set healthy limits.  Remember, you’re not responsible to make others happy.

This recipe for holiday joy involves a daily practice, even a moment to moment choice, to try doing things differently.  It’s tough to change old habits and easy to get sucked into familiar conflicts, guilt, pressure.  Even with the best intentions you’ll find yourself hollering at your kids, comparing yourself to others, wearing yourself thin. Be kind to yourself as you make efforts to do it differently this year.  Every little shift counts. Celebrate your efforts.  And allow yourself to seek support in your journey, whether it’s from family, friends, or a professional.

Written by Suzanne Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, postpartum issues, wellness, relationships, and parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with Dr. Smith, please contact Lakefront Psychology at 216-870-9816.

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