Emotions are running high these days.  It can feel like a rollercoaster with quick shifts and sudden drops that turn your stomach.  Other times it can feel like relentless challenges continually crashing into you, like waves in a rough sea.  We’ve all experienced losses in the past year, big and small.  And these losses may spur feelings of sadness, anger, resentment, longing, loneliness, or fear.  These are painful feelings we often try to avoid or ignore.  Understanding why we avoid these very natural feelings may help us better process them and reduce our suffering.   

Why do we avoid our feelings? 

1. We dismiss our own feelings as trivial.  We believe that we don’t have a right to certain feelings.  We may compare ourselves to others, assuming that other people certainly have bigger problems so we shouldn’t be so upset.  We may feel like we haven’t suffered enough to justify our own feelings.  Our lives might appear fairly charmed on the surface, and we fear appearing whiny or complaining if we acknowledge our own struggles. This unhelpful belief is based on the idea that emotions are relative rather than personal. Your emotional journey is real and matters.    
2. We expect to feel better quickly.  Even when we feel like we may have a “legitimate reason” to have a feeling, we often rush ourselves to get over it.  We tell ourselves that we should be healed by now, as if there’s a specific time limit for emotional suffering and processing.  This unhelpful belief does not take into account the natural ebb and flow of emotional healing which takes time, intention, and patience. You heal more fully when you allow yourself all the space and time it takes.
3. We fear becoming overwhelmed by our feelings.  Sometimes we’re aware that our feelings are real and genuine.  But there is great fear that if we allow ourselves to sit with our feelings, we may drown in them and never resurface.  We imagine the feeling getting so intense that we become unable to function.  This unhelpful belief rises when we do not trust our ability to cope with big emotions.  Perhaps we were never taught how to feel deeply and express ourselves safely in a way that led to a sense of peace and healing.  Developing healthy ways of processing and expressing emotions is a learnable skill.
4. We fear losing control of ourselves.  The other fear we have when it comes to stepping into deep emotions is the fear that we’ll lose control of our behavior.  We fear that we’ll act out in ways that are harmful or dangerous.  This unhelpful belief stems from childhood messaging that certain feelings are “bad” or “wrong.”  Many people grow up observing adults who have unhealthy ways of expressing these tough emotions through yelling, hitting, or abandoning. You can break these old messages and patterns by learning to recognize, tolerate, and express your feelings safely.

What happens when we avoid our feelings? 

When we shut down our feelings it creates stress in our bodies and minds that builds up over time.  Eventually, this stress finds a way of presenting itself in the form of physical symptoms, emotional distress, or relationship conflicts.  These symptoms can further stress and complicate our lives when not directly addressed.  See if any of these common symptoms of built-up emotional distress is familiar to you. 

Symptoms of Avoiding Feelings 

How do we learn healthy ways of processing painful feelings? 

In order to understand how to approach feelings in a healthy way, it’s useful to look at the many ways we actively avoid feelings.  We may try to numb or distract ourselves with mindless phone scrolling, tv binging, or excessive alcohol use.  We may harden our hearts and convince ourselves that we are stoic and unemotional.  We may busy ourselves with endless tasks and projects that keep our minds occupied. We may work really hard to look happy and put together on the outside so no one will see the suffering inside.  We try to convince ourselves we’re fine, when we’re anything but fine.  I’m sure some of these strategies sound familiar to all of us. 

All of these efforts to avoid feelings are normal and can even be healthy distractions when used on a short-term basis. Afterall, there are times in life when it’s not appropriate to work through our feelings in the moment and we have to make it through the day til we are someplace safe to let that guard down. The trouble arises when we engage in these avoidance behaviors all the time and leave no space for emotional processing.  We lose our balance and fear the quietness of our own minds. 

There are many ways to begin processing your own emotions that are safe and gentle.  Below are links to articles that walk you through exercises to feel grounded, develop emotional tolerance, and stop the cycle of busyness. There’s no single strategy that will work for each person all the time. It’s about developing an awareness of your inner emotions and a variety of safe ways to express them.

Emotional expressions are healthy when they match the feeling you’re having and do not endanger yourself or anyone else. So allow yourself to explore what feels like an emotional release to you. You may cry, holler, write in a journal, make art, talk to a loved one, curl up under blankets, go for a run. Explore!

If you feel you could use more guidance or support as you process your difficult emotions, it’s wise to schedule an appointment with a skilled mental health professional. A trained therapist can help you safely uncover and work through your feelings as well as offer strategies to cope and move forward.

Written by Suzanne Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in additional articles about mental health, postpartum issues, wellness, relationships, and parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling a consultation with Dr. Smith, please reach out via the contact page or call 216-870-9816.

The post Why We Avoid Feelings & How it Hurts Us appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

We all want to feel safe and loved in our relationships. We want to feel free to share our deepest emotions and feel understood.  Yet we can sabotage this very safety by taking on the responsibility for our partner’s emotions. Our efforts to care for the people we love inadvertently creates conflict, distance, and misunderstandings.

The problem is often based in romantic ideals we have that intimate partners should be able to feel one another’s emotions, read one another’s mind, anticipate one another’s needs.  We expect to not only be in tune with each other’s feelings, thoughts, and needs but to also be responsible for managing these in our partners. When our partner is stressed, we feel stressed too.  We want to fix the problem, cheer up the feeling.  We want to make it better.  This expectation that we are responsible to manage our partners’ feelings is a set up for disappointment and resentment. 

We can love one another deeply and compassionately without absorbing or being responsible for each other’s feelings. 

When your partner approaches you in a state of emotional difficulty, you yourself may feel so uncomfortable witnessing this pain that your urge is to quickly resolve it for him/her.  You just want to fix it, make it better.  And this very response tends to dismiss your partner’s feelings and send the message that you believe he/she is incompetent to manage these feelings. 

The discomfort we feel witnessing our loved one’s struggle becomes a catalyst for causing more suffering.

Our urge to help our partners during times of struggle is born from a place of love.  We want to be someone they can lean on and seek comfort from during difficult times.  Yet we sabotage this very effort when we are unwilling to sit with that feeling of discomfort in ourselves and our partners.  When we focus on problem solving and changing the mood, we communicate that we don’t want to hear about the painful feelings and can’t handle it.  It no longer feels safe to talk about painful feelings.

There is an antidote to this.  It is possible to feel emotionally connected without feeling emotionally responsible for our partners.  This is a model of healthy emotional interdependence.

When you see your loved one showing signs of emotional struggle, invite him/her to share the full experience.  Listen with an open heart that is focused on understanding.  Offer empathy.  Let your partner know you hear him/her and the feelings that are surfacing.  Do not rush this process.  Allow moments of silence.  Allow emotional expressions, such as tears or cursing.  And, most importantly, sit with your own feelings of discomfort as your partner opens up.

Rather than trying to fix your partner’s pain, focus on being a companion inside it. 

Resist the urge to problem solve, dismiss feelings, or pressure a different feeling. 

Things not to say:

• It’s not that bad.
• It’ll get better.
• It could be a lot worse.
• It’s time to move on.
• You gotta get it together.
• I thought you’d be over this by now
• We need to cheer you up.
• Here’s what we should do.
• I know how to make it better.

Focus instead on supporting the feelings that are being shared and communicating your confidence that your partner can handle whatever is happening.

Things to try saying:

• That sounds really hard.
• I’m sorry you’re struggling.
• I hear you.
• I’m here with you.
• Tell me more about this.
• I know you can handle this.
• These are tough times.
• You’re carrying a heavy load.
• I’m glad you feel safe sharing all this with me.

As you listen to your partner share painful feelings, it is natural to want to help.  However, offering suggestions too quickly can actually do harm to the feeling of safety in the relationship.  Make certain you’ve fully heard and understood your partner before offering help.  Avoid offering unsolicited help or advice because this communicates that you’re an expert who can fix the problem.  And by default, it communicates that your partner is a problem to be fixed or is incapable of figuring out a solution on his/her own.  Rather than make assumptions about what would be most helpful, ask what your partner needs.  Empower your partner to identify his/her own needs and express these to you when he/she is ready.

Offering help compassionately:

• Do you want help with this?
• Can I support you in some way?
• I’m here when you need me.
• I’m here to support you in this.
• I’m on your team in any way you need. 
• Do you want to hear my thoughts on how to deal with this?
• Ask me for help when you know what you need.

When we allow our partners to express their feelings without worry that it will emotionally burden us, this creates a sense of security.  We can each be responsible for our own feelings and asking for help when it’s needed.  No one needs to read each other’s minds.  We can trust that if help is needed, it’ll be requested.  This is the foundation of healthy emotional interdependence with boundaries.  Each person is free to be emotionally open and honest without needing to minimize, edit, or avoid expressing feelings.  Each person can ask for and receive help in ways that are empowering.

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in reading more posts about mental health, wellness, relationships, perinatal mood, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment at Lakefront Psychology, LLC for a psychotherapy consultation, please call 216-870-9816.

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