We all want to feel safe and loved in our relationships. We want to feel free to share our deepest emotions and feel understood.  Yet we can sabotage this very safety by taking on the responsibility for our partner’s emotions. Our efforts to care for the people we love inadvertently creates conflict, distance, and misunderstandings.

The problem is often based in romantic ideals we have that intimate partners should be able to feel one another’s emotions, read one another’s mind, anticipate one another’s needs.  We expect to not only be in tune with each other’s feelings, thoughts, and needs but to also be responsible for managing these in our partners. When our partner is stressed, we feel stressed too.  We want to fix the problem, cheer up the feeling.  We want to make it better.  This expectation that we are responsible to manage our partners’ feelings is a set up for disappointment and resentment. 

We can love one another deeply and compassionately without absorbing or being responsible for each other’s feelings. 

When your partner approaches you in a state of emotional difficulty, you yourself may feel so uncomfortable witnessing this pain that your urge is to quickly resolve it for him/her.  You just want to fix it, make it better.  And this very response tends to dismiss your partner’s feelings and send the message that you believe he/she is incompetent to manage these feelings. 

The discomfort we feel witnessing our loved one’s struggle becomes a catalyst for causing more suffering.

Our urge to help our partners during times of struggle is born from a place of love.  We want to be someone they can lean on and seek comfort from during difficult times.  Yet we sabotage this very effort when we are unwilling to sit with that feeling of discomfort in ourselves and our partners.  When we focus on problem solving and changing the mood, we communicate that we don’t want to hear about the painful feelings and can’t handle it.  It no longer feels safe to talk about painful feelings.

There is an antidote to this.  It is possible to feel emotionally connected without feeling emotionally responsible for our partners.  This is a model of healthy emotional interdependence.

When you see your loved one showing signs of emotional struggle, invite him/her to share the full experience.  Listen with an open heart that is focused on understanding.  Offer empathy.  Let your partner know you hear him/her and the feelings that are surfacing.  Do not rush this process.  Allow moments of silence.  Allow emotional expressions, such as tears or cursing.  And, most importantly, sit with your own feelings of discomfort as your partner opens up.

Rather than trying to fix your partner’s pain, focus on being a companion inside it. 

Resist the urge to problem solve, dismiss feelings, or pressure a different feeling. 

Things not to say:

• It’s not that bad.
• It’ll get better.
• It could be a lot worse.
• It’s time to move on.
• You gotta get it together.
• I thought you’d be over this by now
• We need to cheer you up.
• Here’s what we should do.
• I know how to make it better.

Focus instead on supporting the feelings that are being shared and communicating your confidence that your partner can handle whatever is happening.

Things to try saying:

• That sounds really hard.
• I’m sorry you’re struggling.
• I hear you.
• I’m here with you.
• Tell me more about this.
• I know you can handle this.
• These are tough times.
• You’re carrying a heavy load.
• I’m glad you feel safe sharing all this with me.

As you listen to your partner share painful feelings, it is natural to want to help.  However, offering suggestions too quickly can actually do harm to the feeling of safety in the relationship.  Make certain you’ve fully heard and understood your partner before offering help.  Avoid offering unsolicited help or advice because this communicates that you’re an expert who can fix the problem.  And by default, it communicates that your partner is a problem to be fixed or is incapable of figuring out a solution on his/her own.  Rather than make assumptions about what would be most helpful, ask what your partner needs.  Empower your partner to identify his/her own needs and express these to you when he/she is ready.

Offering help compassionately:

• Do you want help with this?
• Can I support you in some way?
• I’m here when you need me.
• I’m here to support you in this.
• I’m on your team in any way you need. 
• Do you want to hear my thoughts on how to deal with this?
• Ask me for help when you know what you need.

When we allow our partners to express their feelings without worry that it will emotionally burden us, this creates a sense of security.  We can each be responsible for our own feelings and asking for help when it’s needed.  No one needs to read each other’s minds.  We can trust that if help is needed, it’ll be requested.  This is the foundation of healthy emotional interdependence with boundaries.  Each person is free to be emotionally open and honest without needing to minimize, edit, or avoid expressing feelings.  Each person can ask for and receive help in ways that are empowering.

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in reading more posts about mental health, wellness, relationships, perinatal mood, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment at Lakefront Psychology, LLC for a psychotherapy consultation, please call 216-870-9816.

The post Boost Emotional Security in Romantic Relationships: Strategies to Work Through Big Emotions Together appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

Are you trying to rid yourself of uncomfortable emotions or feel controlled by your feelings?  Maybe you want to cut anxiety out of your life or finally get over your grief.  Perhaps you’re tired of the same old jealousy or fear that keeps holding you back.  Learning to build your emotional tolerance could be your key to emotional freedom.

Imagine if you compassionately responded to your feelings in the moment rather than getting pent up, overwhelmed, or exploding.  Imagine riding the waves of emotions without drowning or becoming disconnected.  You could feel more present, less stressed, and more in tune with yourself.  It’s a path toward living authentically.  This blog is intended to help you build a practice of tolerating emotional distress of all kinds.

No one seeks out opportunities to feel emotional pain.  Yet emotional distress is a universal part of life.  We all will experience moments of hurt, anger, fear, jealousy, grief and anxiety.  Most of us believe we cannot bear to feel the full depth of these feelings.  This adds secondary suffering as we fear we cannot handle our own emotional pain.

Our natural discomfort with distressing feelings often results in efforts to avoid, numb, or deny these experiences.  We tend to engage in unhealthy behaviors to accomplish this.  We try to ignore the feelings, bottle them up, or numb them out with distractions, alcohol, shopping.  Ironically, all of these efforts only serve to make the distressing feeling stick around longer.  The unprocessed feeling is left to fester, like an infected wound with a useless bandage stuck on top so we don’t have to look at it but still have to feel it.

There are negative consequences of this distress avoidance.  Over time, you may experience the physical symptoms of stress exhaustion: poor sleep, headaches, bodily pain, stomach upset, or fatigue.  Bottled up feelings also can result in irritability and misdirecting emotions.  We end up blowing up at small things, feeling irritable for no obvious reason, or taking it out on ourselves with a running dialog of negative self-talk.  It’s an added layer of suffering.

Learning to tolerate emotional distress will allow you to acknowledge and hold space for your own emotional world without losing yourself.  You allow yourself to be with rather than resist what you’re feeling. 

Steps to Build Emotional Tolerance

Accept that all emotions have value. 

At it’s core, emotional tolerance requires us to think differently about feelings than we may have before.  We must learn to accept all feelings without judgement.  So rather than identifying certain feelings as “right” or “good” while others are “wrong” or “bad,” we allow feelings to just be information.  All humans have the capacity to feel the full range of emotions.  And these emotions serve to help us understand and experience ourselves and our lives.  Feelings rise from the meaning we give to our thoughts and experiences.  While certain feelings may be more comfortable and pleasant, it is important to accept that all feelings are a valuable part of the fabric of being human.

Accurately identify your feelings.

Being with your feelings involves accurately recognizing your emotional state.  Many people mislabel their feelings and thus manage them incorrectly.  Perhaps you were raised in a family or culture where expressions of anger was unacceptable or showing sadness was discouraged.  Maybe you were given clear messages early in life to “suck it up” and avoid ever expressing vulnerability.  This can lead you to avoid or deny certain feelings.  So you might say you’re stressed out rather than angry or tired rather than sad.  See if you can recognize any stigma you may have developed about certain feelings as being unacceptable.  Give yourself permission to experience the full range of feelings.  Experiencing feelings is different than expressing them.

Practice sitting with your feeling.

Developing a practice of sitting with your feelings allows you to gradually develop your confidence in tolerating distress.  Emotions naturally rise, fall, and shift throughout the day.  See if you can begin a gentle practice of periodically taking a pause from your day to sit with your feelings.  Maybe you can start by doing this at a certain time of day when you expect to have quiet with no interruptions.  Or maybe you can try this when you feel tension rising in your body as a way of taking inventory.  Sit quietly and take several focused breaths.  Scan your body for sensations, just noticing what you feel without judgement. Choose a feeling you want to focus on, like sadness, and see where you feel it in your body.  Take your time to feel the full depth and texture of this feeling.  Remind yourself that you are safe.  Feelings are temporary.  Keep breathing so you feel grounded.  Gradually lengthen the amount of time you spend in this exercise.

There are guided meditations available online to help you build this emotional tolerance practice. One excellent resource with meditations for downloading is:

http://www.mindfulness-solution.com/DownloadMeditations.html

Emotional expression or release.

Allowing yourself to be with your feelings may naturally result in an outward expression or release of this energy.  No one else needs to even be involved as you allow these feelings to bubble outward.  Communicating your feelings to someone else is entirely different.  This is also not about problem solving or just getting over it.  Instead, this is the act of acknowledging your feeling and letting it out, which can feel profoundly satisfying.  Give yourself permission to fully honor your feelings in a way that’s authentic to you.  You might feel drawn to have a good cry or yell into a pillow or write a lengthy journal entry.  You might just have a good sigh.  As long as you don’t find yourself wanting to harm yourself or someone else, there’s no wrong way to release this emotional energy.

Seek help when needed.

Knowing when to seek help in this process is important.  If you find yourself feeling unable to sit with your emotions for even a few moments at a time or using self-destructive ways of managing distress, it may be time to speak to a mental health provider.  People with a history of trauma may also need a professional to help manage and gradually tolerate these feelings safely.  Skilled mental health providers can provide the guidance and security some people require to deeply process distressing emotions and let them go.

Written by Suzanne Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog.  If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, postpartum issues, wellness, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with Dr. Smith, please contact Lakefront Psychology, LLC at 216-870-9816.

The post Create Emotional Freedom by Building Emotional Tolerance appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.