We all want to feel safe and loved in our relationships. We want to feel free to share our deepest emotions and feel understood.  Yet we can sabotage this very safety by taking on the responsibility for our partner’s emotions. Our efforts to care for the people we love inadvertently creates conflict, distance, and misunderstandings.

The problem is often based in romantic ideals we have that intimate partners should be able to feel one another’s emotions, read one another’s mind, anticipate one another’s needs.  We expect to not only be in tune with each other’s feelings, thoughts, and needs but to also be responsible for managing these in our partners. When our partner is stressed, we feel stressed too.  We want to fix the problem, cheer up the feeling.  We want to make it better.  This expectation that we are responsible to manage our partners’ feelings is a set up for disappointment and resentment. 

We can love one another deeply and compassionately without absorbing or being responsible for each other’s feelings. 

When your partner approaches you in a state of emotional difficulty, you yourself may feel so uncomfortable witnessing this pain that your urge is to quickly resolve it for him/her.  You just want to fix it, make it better.  And this very response tends to dismiss your partner’s feelings and send the message that you believe he/she is incompetent to manage these feelings. 

The discomfort we feel witnessing our loved one’s struggle becomes a catalyst for causing more suffering.

Our urge to help our partners during times of struggle is born from a place of love.  We want to be someone they can lean on and seek comfort from during difficult times.  Yet we sabotage this very effort when we are unwilling to sit with that feeling of discomfort in ourselves and our partners.  When we focus on problem solving and changing the mood, we communicate that we don’t want to hear about the painful feelings and can’t handle it.  It no longer feels safe to talk about painful feelings.

There is an antidote to this.  It is possible to feel emotionally connected without feeling emotionally responsible for our partners.  This is a model of healthy emotional interdependence.

When you see your loved one showing signs of emotional struggle, invite him/her to share the full experience.  Listen with an open heart that is focused on understanding.  Offer empathy.  Let your partner know you hear him/her and the feelings that are surfacing.  Do not rush this process.  Allow moments of silence.  Allow emotional expressions, such as tears or cursing.  And, most importantly, sit with your own feelings of discomfort as your partner opens up.

Rather than trying to fix your partner’s pain, focus on being a companion inside it. 

Resist the urge to problem solve, dismiss feelings, or pressure a different feeling. 

Things not to say:

• It’s not that bad.
• It’ll get better.
• It could be a lot worse.
• It’s time to move on.
• You gotta get it together.
• I thought you’d be over this by now
• We need to cheer you up.
• Here’s what we should do.
• I know how to make it better.

Focus instead on supporting the feelings that are being shared and communicating your confidence that your partner can handle whatever is happening.

Things to try saying:

• That sounds really hard.
• I’m sorry you’re struggling.
• I hear you.
• I’m here with you.
• Tell me more about this.
• I know you can handle this.
• These are tough times.
• You’re carrying a heavy load.
• I’m glad you feel safe sharing all this with me.

As you listen to your partner share painful feelings, it is natural to want to help.  However, offering suggestions too quickly can actually do harm to the feeling of safety in the relationship.  Make certain you’ve fully heard and understood your partner before offering help.  Avoid offering unsolicited help or advice because this communicates that you’re an expert who can fix the problem.  And by default, it communicates that your partner is a problem to be fixed or is incapable of figuring out a solution on his/her own.  Rather than make assumptions about what would be most helpful, ask what your partner needs.  Empower your partner to identify his/her own needs and express these to you when he/she is ready.

Offering help compassionately:

• Do you want help with this?
• Can I support you in some way?
• I’m here when you need me.
• I’m here to support you in this.
• I’m on your team in any way you need. 
• Do you want to hear my thoughts on how to deal with this?
• Ask me for help when you know what you need.

When we allow our partners to express their feelings without worry that it will emotionally burden us, this creates a sense of security.  We can each be responsible for our own feelings and asking for help when it’s needed.  No one needs to read each other’s minds.  We can trust that if help is needed, it’ll be requested.  This is the foundation of healthy emotional interdependence with boundaries.  Each person is free to be emotionally open and honest without needing to minimize, edit, or avoid expressing feelings.  Each person can ask for and receive help in ways that are empowering.

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in reading more posts about mental health, wellness, relationships, perinatal mood, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment at Lakefront Psychology, LLC for a psychotherapy consultation, please call 216-870-9816.

The post Boost Emotional Security in Romantic Relationships: Strategies to Work Through Big Emotions Together appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

Couples awaiting a new baby are often filled with excitement, worries, and fantasies as they prepare their lives to welcome new little bundles. The focus is usually all about baby: reading baby books and blogs, stocking up on gear, planning for the birth, washing and folding new baby clothes and blankets. But relatively little attention is paid to the relationship of the couple stepping into this new chapter together.

Few couples intentionally spend time laying a foundation to support their relationship for the major transition of becoming a family. Many underestimate the stress caused by having a child.

Relationship Stress is Common

Research from The Gottman Institute has consistently shown that 67% of couples report feeling “very unhappy” with each other during the first 3 years of baby’s life. Relationship satisfaction plummets due the incredible adjustments both people are working through. New parents are exhausted, making their way through a life that is totally unfamiliar, dealing with grief over the life and identities they’ve lost, and often feeling utterly incompetent as they quickly try to adjust to on-the-job training from a newborn. They are understandably irritable, emotional, and argumentative.

The stress of adjusting every part of your lives to the demands of a newborn is visceral. And this stress is even greater when there have been additional challenges during this time like a traumatic birth, illness, medically fragile baby, lack of support, work stress, and postpartum mood issues.

Benefits of Tending to Your Relationship

One of the greatest gifts parents can give their children is a healthy, loving relationship between the parents. Couples who actively focus energy on maintaining their friendship, intimacy, and warmth have greater relationship satisfaction. Both parents tend to have better mental health, less frequent and less intense episodes of depression and anxiety. There is less hostility in the home. And all of this leads to greater infant development. Babies thrive when parents are emotionally responsive, calm, flexible, and find joy in the small moments. And parents only have the energy for this when they are emotionally well both individually and in the relationship.

Strategies to Prepare Your Relationship for Baby

Expect it will be challenging. Setting realistic expectations is the first step in managing your response. Our culture often paints a picture of new parents who are smiling, relaxed, cuddling baby and each other in glowing, pink lighting. And this image makes the reality of late night arguments as the baby wails and both parents flounder to navigate this totally unfamiliar situation while sleep deprived feel even more painful. People incorrectly assume they are the only ones who struggle, who don’t seem to know how to parent naturally. They feel like failures when in fact they’re in very good company. Expecting this transition to be physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging will set couples up to better support one another and offer compassion rather than judgement.

Line up support & get used to asking for help. You will need more help than you think. It can feel vulnerable and unfamiliar to ask for support. Humbling yourself to ask for it is good practice for the rest of your parenting life. There’s a saying in postpartum care “There’s a season in life for giving and a season for receiving. When you have a new baby, this is the season for receiving.” You will have opportunities in the future to offer help to others again. For now, identify people who will help making food, cleaning, providing company, caring for baby so you can take care of yourself. You may consider hiring help from professionals like doulas, cleaning services, meal services, lactation consultants, etc. Hiring out for help can reduce the emotional tangles of getting help from family and friends.

Support one another coping with stress. You both need to engage in regular strategies that reduce stress in order to be your best for one another and for baby. Encourage one another to make time for friends, hobbies, exercise, meditation, and whatever else you find stress reducing. Offer generously and don’t keep score. The more opportunities you each have to get a break and feel like your old self again, the easier it will be to be navigate the tough moments together.

Tend to your friendship. Reserve regular time for date nights, ideally weekly. Set aside distraction free time to have fun together, relax, talk about things other than the baby and your worries. Flood one another with words of appreciation and encouragement. Remind your partner what you love about him/her. Make an effort to respond to your partner’s efforts to connect with you. Show affection and maintain regular opportunities for physical touch and playfulness. You both are adjusting to new ways of relating in the midst of physical exhaustion. Focus on being gentle and patient with one another as you would with your best friend.

Practice conflict management strategies. Conflict will naturally arise and is not a sign of trouble. In fact, couples can develop deeper connections when working through conflict with respect and understanding. The key is to stop arguing when either of you is feeling flooded to avoid causing hurt. When we’re emotionally flooded, whether it’s with a feeling of anger, sadness, fear, stress, or frustration, we are no longer able to process information accurately. And conflicts can only be resolved when both people are calm enough to listen, appreciate the other’s perspective, and compromise. So give each other space to cool off and figure out the conversation that you really needed to have beneath the fight. This means taking the time to recognize that a fight about a dirty dish in the bedroom was really about something more, like feeling unappreciated or overwhelmed or lonely.

Dialog about your new roles regularly. Parenting requires an incredible amount of flexibility and humility. Keep a regular dialog going to talk about the roles you each play in the family life and remain open to changing these. New parents often feel taken for granted and unappreciated by their partners. Both feel they are constantly giving and sacrificing. To avoid building resentment and distance, take the time to talk about these feelings without criticizing. And ask for what you need without blaming or whining. Listen to the same messages from your partner so that you can continually negotiate a plan that works for everyone. You may recognize that messages from your childhood about parenting roles and expectations will surface during this time. Try to humbly develop insight into these patterns and make conscious choices that best match your family goals and values.

Recognizing the stress your relationship will face as you welcome a new baby, you may want to consider checking in with a skilled couple’s therapist along the way. Couple’s therapy is most effective when you are not in crisis. A few sessions to identify potential challenges and develop strategies to navigate gracefully through this transition can significantly help prevent relationship pain and suffering.

Written by Suzanne Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, postpartum issues, wellness, relationships, and parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with Dr. Smith, please contact Lakefront Psychology at 216-870-9816.

The post Strategies to Nurture a Healthy Relationship Once Baby Arrives appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.