One of the greatest gifts parents can give our children is a secure attachment.  But many of us may not be certain what that actually means or how to create it.  About half of us grew up without secure attachments with our own caregivers.  So we may not have healthy modeling to go from. 

Dr. Dan Siegel has done extensive research on attachment that can help us understand the benefits of secure attachments and the steps we parents can take to nurture it for our children.

Benefits of Secure Attachment

• Positive self-esteem
• Improved emotional regulation
• Social competence
• Empathy
• Lower overall stress levels
• Improved ability to develop and learn
• Improved immunity and overall physical health
• Confidence and self-reliance

All parents have the capacity to develop a secure attachment with our children, regardless of how we were parented.  Research has demonstrated that the key to being able to offer healthy attachment is having a “coherent narrative” of our own upbringing. Depending on how you grew up, this may require some personal work and/or psychotherapy.  In short, this involves developing an understanding of our parents and what shaped their emotional availabilities.  This helps us develop compassion for our parents as humans who were likely doing the best they could with what they knew.  Our story for our childhood feels cohesive when we feel a sense of acceptance or peace about how we grew up and were shaped by these experiences.

Dr. Siegel has identified four conditions we can create that help our children develop a secure attachment.  He calls them the Four S’s.

The 4 S’s of Creating Secure Attachment

Safe – This means children grow up with a high degree of stability and low degree of chaos.  We do our best to protect them from being frightened or hurt.

Seen – This means we understand and validate our children’s emotional experiences.  We take the time to describe our understanding of their inner worlds so they have the emotional vocabulary and understanding of themselves.  They trust we value their emotional experiences.

Soothed – We help children learn the skills for calming their nervous systems by offering soothing in many forms.  This soothing may look different during different stages of development.  We may hug, sing, offer bandages, talk through difficult times, help them seek comfort, etc.

Secure – Through all these conditions, we help our children develop an inner sense of well-being.  They learn that all emotions are important and acceptable as well as skills for navigating them. 

As parents it is helpful to understand the recipe that exists to nurture a strong, secure attachment style with our children.  But we must also remember that we’re human and will miss opportunities now and then.  We might be too busy or distracted to really see our children in a tough moment or offer the soothing they need.  This is okay.  This is not harmful. 

Missed opportunities to connect with our children provide a new kind of opportunity.  We can always offer a repair experience!  It is highly valuable to show our children that we take responsibility for our missteps and put forth the effort to reconnect.  We can teach them that it’s normal and healthy to say we’re sorry sometimes. 

As parents, we have opportunities to nurture a secure attachment throughout the years. As our children grow and their emotional worlds change, we are called upon to understand them and connect with them differently. How we listen to the emotional world of a toddler will be different than a teenager. Over time, we create a culture in our families where we support one another’s emotional experiences and make it safe to be vulnerable together.

If you would like to read more from Dr. Dan Siegel about parenting and secure attachment, check out his books The Whole Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind and Parenting from the Inside Out.

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form.

The post Parenting Tips for Creating Secure Attachment appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

A client recently shared that listening to podcasts always results in more anxiety for her because she feels there’s so much to learn and so much to do “right.” The burden to cultivate humans who survive their adolescence, care about themselves, others, their planet, nutrition, exercise, science, the arts, and the dog’s bathroom needs  at the same time I’m cooking dinner after soccer practice and before piano lessons is…heavy.  Parenting can become so stressful and exhausting it feels like a job with no benefits.

Moms often ask us for practical tips on how to feel less anxious and more happy in parenting. And we have many!  However, a review of these coping skills is not a directive to add all of them to your to-do list. Once, after a session of coping skill review, a client walked out promising facetiously: “I’m going to do all the things!” 

Herein lies the problem, of course. We can’t set the bar at doing all the things! Expecting ourselves to do all the things is a set up for failure.  We will quickly find ourselves overwhelmed and unable to sustain so many changes at once.  We then assume that WE are the failures rather than THE PLAN being a failure from the start. 

Let’s set our intentions at trying to do one or two new things each week.  Start with the steps that seem easiest to work into your busy schedule with the greatest potential reward.  We want to choose steps that feel both important and achievable.  The goal is to gradually build a package of strategies that replenishes your energy and helps you cope with uncomfortable feelings.  You can try different strategies each week as you piece together a plan that works for you.  

When you figure out your personalized collection of strategies that work, you’ll feel more emotionally stable and energized so you can actually enjoy your kids too. Parenting can be a job with perks for all of you!

Begin by selecting 2-3 strategies from the following menus. Each week examine what worked best and decide if you want to switch strategies or add a new one.

Strategies to Set Yourself Up For Success: 

• Be open to the idea that you can improve the moment and, in doing so, can improve your day and your general well-being. Once you’re open, ask yourself, “How can I feel better in the next 10 minutes?…the next hour?” 
• Police your social media exposure. Clients often admit that after they’ve scrolled through facebook or instagram they find themselves feeling “frantic,” “anxious,” or “less than” as they inevitably compare their personal lives to others’ highlight reels
  • Remove apps from your home screen
  • Turn off notifications
  • Snooze people who increase your distress
• Consider how your exposure to the news affects your fears, hope, irritability. For example, if you know you are anti-war and you collect clothes for relocated war victims, then maybe give yourself permission to stop reading or listening to the horrible details of war. If you can’t sleep tonight, that doesn’t help the war victims.  The same is true no matter what stressful news you’re consuming.  Take action in ways that feel meaningful then set limits on absorbing more content.
• Assert yourself and your needs at home and work.  Let the people who are closest to you know that you need to prioritize taking care of yourself and what they can do to support this. Where possible, speak your mind. Research shows that lack of assertiveness is correlated with low mood.
• Say no to obligations and people who drain you. Your energy, time and attention are limited resources that you must spend wisely. In order to have what you need for yourself and your family, you must set limits elsewhere.
• Go to therapy. Sometimes we need a professional to help us sort through our feelings and take steps toward healing. 
• Carefully consider your circle of control and actively shed worries that lie outside of it. Apply rock solid boundaries where possible. If someone’s issue is not in your square, let go and leave it to them. 
• Adopt a present-tense focus over dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Catch yourself shining your brain spotlight on thoughts like: “I wouldn’t feel this way if 5 years ago I had…” or “If she can’t do it now how will she ever move out of the house?” Rein in that light. Refocus. Stay present.

Strategies to Replenish Your Energy & Boost Your Mood

• Practice Daily Gratitude https://lakefrontpsychology.com/2019/09/20/boosting-joy-with-gratitude-practical-steps-to-build-a-meaningful-practice/
• If you have a partner, schedule time to connect or possibly have sex.
• Move your body.
• Sleep.
• Meditate.
• Get outside into nature.
• Watch a funny movie or show.
• Connect with a friend.
• Name your feeling and practice holding space for it. Just allow the feeling to be present and notice how it feels in your body, heart, and mind for a few breaths.
• Read a book (for adult audiences!).
• Revive a hobby or activity you’ve always loved.
• Celebrate your daily successes. Make a ta-da list rather than a to-do list. Note all of your successes each day, including when you choose NOT to do something that would be draining.
• Create a calm or inspiring space for yourself in your home.
• Speak to yourself like you would to someone you deeply loved and respected.

Strategies to Enjoy Time With Your Kids

• Teach your kids about something you love.  Share your passions and interests with them in ways they can participate. Show them how to cook your favorite meal, point out your local trees during a hike, listen to your favorite musical artist together or share your love of your favorite sports team.  The options are endless.
• Do things you genuinely enjoy doing with your kids rather than what you think parents should be doing or what others are doing. Stop worrying about enrichment or instagram worth moments. Watch shows you both enjoy, cheer on your football team, walk the dog, play cards, flip through magazines, sing. 
• Spend 10-15 minutes doing something your kid really loves to do. Let them teach you all about it knowing you have a time limit. Do not instruct or direct. Simply absorb. And then be proud of yourself for joining their world! 
• Record your kids doing activities they enjoy, then watch the videos together.
• Teach kids how to help you with household chores. They learn to appreciate the work of running a household and eventually reduce your daily burden.
• Share gratitudes with your kids.
• Laugh. What were you doing the last time you laughed together? Do more of that. 

We hope you find satisfaction in choosing your own adventure with these strategies. Focusing on “some of the things,” rather than “all of the things” is a gift you can give yourself and your family.

Co-written by Carrie King, Ph.D., Clinical Child Psychologist and Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist. If you are interested in learning more about Dr. King’s work, you can visit her website https://drcarrieking.com/

The post Self-Care Strategies to Reduce Anxiety & Increase Enjoyment in Parenting appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

“I love my kids, but I just need a break.”  This is the refrain I hear from dedicated, loving parents over and over again this past year.  It’s often said with a hint of shame for feeling so frustrated and fed up with the constant demands of parenting.  We live in a society that says we should love our kids unconditionally, and if we’re frustrated or annoyed by them, then we’re bad parents.  Yet it’s amazing how much parents can simultaneously love their children wholeheartedly while also desperately needing a break from the role of parenting. 

Parents are experiencing high levels of stress these days with inadequate resources to cope with it, according to a review by the American Psychological Association. The previous blog post in this series highlights some of the many reasons parents are grappling with sustained stress over the past 18 months. 

Stages of burnout

Psychologists have identified three stages of burnout.  First there is the sense of overwhelming exhaustion.  Exhaustion comes in many forms.  Parents of younger children tend to describe the physical fatigue resulting from endless caretaking and lack of sleep.  Parents of older children describe the emotional fatigue of managing the conflicts and worries of the adolescent world. 

The next phase is characterized by a drive to disengage.  Parents want to distance themselves from their kids to preserve their energy, often fantasizing about escape.  They feel so overwhelmed and incapable of meeting the needs of the family that parents find themselves emotionally protecting themselves. 

This leads to the final stage which is a lack of fulfillment.  Parents no longer find joy in parenting.  They go through the motions of keeping the family going while feeling empty inside.  They often describe feeling distressed, shame, and guilt about not being the engaged, enthusiastic parents they wish to be. 

No matter which stage of parental burnout you may be experiencing right now, it’s possible to take steps to manage the stress and exhaustion of parenting.  Each effort we make to care for ourselves will benefit the family system.

Strategies to Manage Burnout

Acknowledge the Suffering.  Managing a painful situation always begins by honoring the experience.  We must first own the fact that we are in a burnout state and recognize the full range of consequences we’re experiencing.  We need to identify the feelings of frustration, overwhelm, exhaustion, hopelessness.  Naming the feeling helps us find compassion for ourselves.  Take time to sit with these feelings when they arise rather than judging or denying them.  This may result in tears or a sense of heaviness.  Know that this is not permanent.  Emotions pass more quickly when we allow them to flow through us rather than avoiding, minimizing, or denying them.  Be gentle with yourself.  The link below has more on sitting with difficult feelings.

Reach Out for Support.  Loneliness and shame only increase the suffering of burnout.  It’s important to talk with people about your experience and ask for help when possible.  Don’t wait until you’re already at your wit’s end.  Try to connect with a network of understanding, compassionate friends to lift one another up and navigate the challenges together. Ask for practical help to share the burdens of parenting.  This may mean coordinating carpools and childcare swapping in ways that still feel safe with COVID-19 risks.  Often parents can help one another out in ways that benefit each family. 

Many people struggle to feel safe enough to ask friends or family for help, particularly those who have felt abandoned or let down in the past.  It can feel vulnerable to ask for help.  This is when it may be wise to seek professional help from a licensed therapist who can personalize a plan for you to manage your stress and process your feelings.

Take Micro Breaks.  Parents must prioritize creating time for meaningful breaks from the labor of parenting.  While your fantasy of a month-long beach vacation may not be realistic, this does not mean you should continue plowing through your days with no respite.  Every job requires breaks because it improves our performance.  This often means doing less of the many responsibilities and chores of parenting in order to offer more to yourself.  Imagine creating a steady practice of arranging your daily life to include time reserved to replenish yourself.

What this looks like will be different for each of us.  Think about how you renew your energy.  This could look like taking a walk outside, reading a few chapters of a book, catching up with a friend, working up a sweat, mediating, baking, dancing to fun music.  The options are endless, and your choice may vary from day to day.  The point is that we cannot pour from an empty cup.  And parents must refill their emotional, mental, and physical cups on a regular basis.  Trust that children benefit from the modeling of parents who practice good self-care.

Repair Your Relationships.  Burnout often results in parents either lashing out at the people we love or neglecting our relationships from sheer exhaustion.  Be compassionate and forgiving with yourself when this happens.  It does not mean you’re a bad person or a bad parent or a bad spouse.  You’re simply responding from a place of depletion and helplessness.  Beating yourself up for these mistakes is not only harmful to your well-being but also prevents the opportunity for repair. 

Know that the work of repairing these relationships is meaningful.  It makes relationships stronger, closer.  Take responsibility for your actions that feel inconsistent with your values.  You may need to apologize for something you said or how you raised your voice.  Maybe you overinflated a small moment and threw a big fit.  Own it.  Then make amends.  Do the work of reconnecting and finding common ground again.  Focus on being fully present with your loved ones without distractions, even for just 10 minutes each day.  This effort will build a sense of connection and safety.

Let Go of Perfectionist Goals.  Much of parental stress comes from all the “shoulds” in our minds…all the messages from our culture and media about how parents should act and feel.  We hold ourselves up to unrealistic standards to be perfectly nurturing, present, encouraging, and positive.  In the end, our inner critic tells us we always come up short.  We feel like failures.  And this only compounds burnout. 

Reframing how we speak to ourselves in our minds can help us have more compassion for ourselves so we can more effectively utilize the resources we still have.  One way to do this involves swapping out the “should” in our minds.  Rather than saying “I should be playing with my kids more,” while feeling exhausted and wracked with guilt, try swapping out the language and saying, “It would be great to have more energy to play with my kids.”  This language allows us to acknowledge our current situation without shame so we can focus our attention on our good intentions. 

Allow yourself to let go of expectations that involve meeting others’ approval or keeping up appearances. You don’t need to parent the way anyone else does. You don’t need to do it all, all the time.  You can make choices that prioritize your wellness as a way of caring deeply for your family.  This often means cutting back and saying no.  This means giving yourself grace to be messy and authentic.  Eventually, it means loving our imperfect selves.  And this is a beautiful message for children to learn.

Find Meaning Through Gratitude.  In the daily grind of life, we can lose track of what we most love about being a parent.  We often ruminate on the tough moments, playing out in our minds how things went sideways over and over again.  We beat ourselves up and feel even more exhausted and disappointed.  But we can refocus our minds.  We can make a conscious effort to spend time thinking about the highlights in each day.  Notice the moments when your children are kind, funny, sweet, helpful.  Notice what you love about them.  Notice the moments when you are connecting with them, reminding them they are loved, safe, and understood.  Notice when you have fun.  Notice the moments when others are there to support you.  Notice when you make a choice to take care of yourself.

Finding one moment a day that fills your heart with gratitude will help reconnect you with the joy of parenting again.  The more we recognize and spend energy on what is going well in our families, the better we feel about ourselves and our lives. 

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form. 

The post Strategies to Manage Parental Burnout – Part 2 appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

You’re not imagining it.  Parental burnout is worse than ever these days.  It’s that feeling like you just can’t keep it all together, let alone get one step ahead of the chaos.  It’s that sense that you’re juggling a set of plates while walking a tightrope as someone keeps lobbing water balloons at you.  And it may explain why you utterly exhausted and you find yourself snapping at the slightest annoyance.

Parents were teetering on the edge of burnout before the COVID-19 pandemic radically altered our worlds.  Prior to the pandemic stressors, parents already were often pushing themselves to anticipate and meet every need of their children and families. There was a cultural pressure to give kids every opportunity available, to cook healthy meals around the clock, to keep homes in top shape, to constantly engage and teach your children. Parents were already drowning from the expectation to be perfect.  And many families were already struggling with lack of resources, children with special needs, and other stressors that lowered th1eir threshold for coping with additional stress.

Then the initial COVID-19 pandemic lockdown changed everything.  Parents were expected to suddenly navigate both the pandemic altered work demands while also becoming teachers and technical support for kids in online school.  Parents hustled to figure out childcare all while carrying the worries that every cough or sniffle was a sign of crisis.  The chronic stress left parents on the edge of losing their cool at any moment.

There was hope of reprieve from this exhaustion once vaccines became available and the country opened up its doors.  These days kids have largely returned to the classrooms, youth sports resumed, and families have moved into full gear again.  Yet there wasn’t even a moment to process the initial effects of all the initial pandemic stress before the Delta variant layered new worries.  Parents worry about their kids becoming sick or quarantined, schools closing again, managing social events, and the toll this all takes on their children’s emotional wellbeing. 

Parents everywhere are struggling to find a breath of space to take care of themselves.  The American Psychological Association has recognized the growing need to understand and address parental burnout.  The demands on parents continue to pile up as the resources to support them diminish.  This is resulting in serious emotional, physical, and social consequences. 

Signs of Burnout

The signs and symptoms of burnout heavily overlap with depression.  The difference is that the symptoms of burnout typically disappear when you get a prolonged break from your stressor.  Burnout was traditionally understood as a risk for people in high stress jobs such as like healthcare workers, teachers, lawyers, or business owners.  When people experiencing occupational burnout were able to get an extended vacation from work or dramatically alter work stressors, the symptoms of burnout would naturally resolve.  But burnout is being recognized as a chronic concern among parents, a job that never gets a real vacation.  Parents never get to fully unburden themselves from the responsibilities of parenting.

Consequences of Burnout

Parental burnout has consequences for the individual and the entire family.  Burnout has strong associations with stress related health problems.  Our bodies were not built to be in a state of chronic stress.  We find ourselves struggling with body aches, sleeplessness, and stomach distress.  And many parents feel too busy to find time for doctor’s visits let alone trips to the gym.  Over time, this can lead to heart disease, obesity, type 2 diabetes, sexual dysfunction, and substance abuse. 

The mental struggle to juggle it all often leads to poor focus and performance at work.  As many parents still work from home, the work stress and family stress often overlap and exacerbate one another.  Parents never get a break from either role.  They end up feeling like failures in all aspects of their lives. 

Relationships suffer when we are burned out.  We are simply too stressed and exhausted to be good partners.  We have no resources left to be attentive, affectionate, appreciative.  This results in more conflict and arguments in families.  Couples may become distant and disconnected.  They treat one another like business partners rather than friends and intimate companions.  Everyone feels lonely.

This all affects the children as well.  Children feel the tension of the household and may respond by becoming emotionally volatile and acting out more.  When parents are overwhelmed, they have few resources to deal with these additional parenting challenges. They become irritable and prone to yelling at their children or disciplining in ways they wouldn’t consider when rested and calm.  Children must recover from these regrettable incidents.  But parents too find themselves wracked with guilt, staying up late replaying the episodes so they wake with less rest and greater stress. 

A Path Forward

If you recognize yourself or your partner as struggling with parental burnout, you’re not alone and you’re not a failure.  Recognizing the impact of parental burnout is an essential first step in making the changes required to rebalance your stresses and resources. In Part 2 of this blog series, we will identify steps you can begin taking to manage your burnout and create a lifestyle that allows you to replenish your energy regularly. 

It is important to note that burnout can also lead to depression or anxiety disorders. If you feel like you’ve lost capacity for joy, experience daily anxiety that interferes with your functioning, or have a sense of hopelessness, it’s important to seek professional help from a licensed therapist or physician.  Treating depression and anxiety early improves the outcome and reduces the suffering. 

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form. 

The post Parental Burnout May Be at the Root of Your Struggles Right Now – Part 1 appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

Couples awaiting a new baby are often filled with excitement, worries, and fantasies as they prepare their lives to welcome new little bundles. The focus is usually all about baby: reading baby books and blogs, stocking up on gear, planning for the birth, washing and folding new baby clothes and blankets. But relatively little attention is paid to the relationship of the couple stepping into this new chapter together.

Few couples intentionally spend time laying a foundation to support their relationship for the major transition of becoming a family. Many underestimate the stress caused by having a child.

Relationship Stress is Common

Research from The Gottman Institute has consistently shown that 67% of couples report feeling “very unhappy” with each other during the first 3 years of baby’s life. Relationship satisfaction plummets due the incredible adjustments both people are working through. New parents are exhausted, making their way through a life that is totally unfamiliar, dealing with grief over the life and identities they’ve lost, and often feeling utterly incompetent as they quickly try to adjust to on-the-job training from a newborn. They are understandably irritable, emotional, and argumentative.

The stress of adjusting every part of your lives to the demands of a newborn is visceral. And this stress is even greater when there have been additional challenges during this time like a traumatic birth, illness, medically fragile baby, lack of support, work stress, and postpartum mood issues.

Benefits of Tending to Your Relationship

One of the greatest gifts parents can give their children is a healthy, loving relationship between the parents. Couples who actively focus energy on maintaining their friendship, intimacy, and warmth have greater relationship satisfaction. Both parents tend to have better mental health, less frequent and less intense episodes of depression and anxiety. There is less hostility in the home. And all of this leads to greater infant development. Babies thrive when parents are emotionally responsive, calm, flexible, and find joy in the small moments. And parents only have the energy for this when they are emotionally well both individually and in the relationship.

Strategies to Prepare Your Relationship for Baby

Expect it will be challenging. Setting realistic expectations is the first step in managing your response. Our culture often paints a picture of new parents who are smiling, relaxed, cuddling baby and each other in glowing, pink lighting. And this image makes the reality of late night arguments as the baby wails and both parents flounder to navigate this totally unfamiliar situation while sleep deprived feel even more painful. People incorrectly assume they are the only ones who struggle, who don’t seem to know how to parent naturally. They feel like failures when in fact they’re in very good company. Expecting this transition to be physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging will set couples up to better support one another and offer compassion rather than judgement.

Line up support & get used to asking for help. You will need more help than you think. It can feel vulnerable and unfamiliar to ask for support. Humbling yourself to ask for it is good practice for the rest of your parenting life. There’s a saying in postpartum care “There’s a season in life for giving and a season for receiving. When you have a new baby, this is the season for receiving.” You will have opportunities in the future to offer help to others again. For now, identify people who will help making food, cleaning, providing company, caring for baby so you can take care of yourself. You may consider hiring help from professionals like doulas, cleaning services, meal services, lactation consultants, etc. Hiring out for help can reduce the emotional tangles of getting help from family and friends.

Support one another coping with stress. You both need to engage in regular strategies that reduce stress in order to be your best for one another and for baby. Encourage one another to make time for friends, hobbies, exercise, meditation, and whatever else you find stress reducing. Offer generously and don’t keep score. The more opportunities you each have to get a break and feel like your old self again, the easier it will be to be navigate the tough moments together.

Tend to your friendship. Reserve regular time for date nights, ideally weekly. Set aside distraction free time to have fun together, relax, talk about things other than the baby and your worries. Flood one another with words of appreciation and encouragement. Remind your partner what you love about him/her. Make an effort to respond to your partner’s efforts to connect with you. Show affection and maintain regular opportunities for physical touch and playfulness. You both are adjusting to new ways of relating in the midst of physical exhaustion. Focus on being gentle and patient with one another as you would with your best friend.

Practice conflict management strategies. Conflict will naturally arise and is not a sign of trouble. In fact, couples can develop deeper connections when working through conflict with respect and understanding. The key is to stop arguing when either of you is feeling flooded to avoid causing hurt. When we’re emotionally flooded, whether it’s with a feeling of anger, sadness, fear, stress, or frustration, we are no longer able to process information accurately. And conflicts can only be resolved when both people are calm enough to listen, appreciate the other’s perspective, and compromise. So give each other space to cool off and figure out the conversation that you really needed to have beneath the fight. This means taking the time to recognize that a fight about a dirty dish in the bedroom was really about something more, like feeling unappreciated or overwhelmed or lonely.

Dialog about your new roles regularly. Parenting requires an incredible amount of flexibility and humility. Keep a regular dialog going to talk about the roles you each play in the family life and remain open to changing these. New parents often feel taken for granted and unappreciated by their partners. Both feel they are constantly giving and sacrificing. To avoid building resentment and distance, take the time to talk about these feelings without criticizing. And ask for what you need without blaming or whining. Listen to the same messages from your partner so that you can continually negotiate a plan that works for everyone. You may recognize that messages from your childhood about parenting roles and expectations will surface during this time. Try to humbly develop insight into these patterns and make conscious choices that best match your family goals and values.

Recognizing the stress your relationship will face as you welcome a new baby, you may want to consider checking in with a skilled couple’s therapist along the way. Couple’s therapy is most effective when you are not in crisis. A few sessions to identify potential challenges and develop strategies to navigate gracefully through this transition can significantly help prevent relationship pain and suffering.

Written by Suzanne Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, postpartum issues, wellness, relationships, and parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with Dr. Smith, please contact Lakefront Psychology at 216-870-9816.

The post Strategies to Nurture a Healthy Relationship Once Baby Arrives appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.