We live in a culture that promotes striving, grinding, and achieving.  We often measure our worth based on how hard we push ourselves to grow and accomplish in a day, season, or year.  When faced with a choice of whether to take on a new challenge, we feel pressured to dive in.  The consequence of choosing an alternative is guilt, shame, or feelings of being a failure.

While we know that there are important benefits to pushing ourselves to face challenges and accomplish goals, the problem arises when we feel there is no other option. We default into constantly striving for more.

How well is this really working for you? 

If we believe the cultural message that choosing not to strive is the equivalent of failing, then we trap ourselves in endless pursuit.  We never feel satisfied.  We must constantly seek the next goal to push our growth edge. 

It’s exhausting.

This style of living also has health consequences.  We put our bodies and minds into a state of constant stress as we adjust to each transition.  We may suffer from disrupted sleep, fatigue, muscle aches, headaches, anxiety, irritability, mental overwhelm.

Perhaps the real challenge is to allow yourself to choose a path of ease. 

During a hiking trip I took with a friend a few years ago, we encountered a point along the trail where we had to make a choice.  We could follow the other hikers who were scrambling up a tight crevice and continuing to the highest point of the mountain or we could turn down the gentler trail and hike along the lowlands.  We stood there a while assessing the scene.  Some people came back down the trail with beaming faces, talking about the incredible views from the top.  Others were shaking and in tears with fear of the tight space, physical demands, and incredible heights.  Internally, we wrestled with our own inner drives to face the challenge and, quite literally, get to the top of the hill despite joint pain and fatigue.  The default decision was to push ourselves to climb that hill.  Then we turned toward each other with hesitation and almost simultaneously said, “Can we just not?”  We chose the path of ease.  We resisted the idea that we would have a lesser experience if we chose to skip the summit.

This experience taught me a helpful lesson about what growth really means to me.  Despite my cultural indoctrination that prizes achievement, I have recognized that the bravest choice is sometimes doing less, backing off.  We can find our feelings of satisfaction and worth by gently taking care of ourselves.  We can listen to messages from our bodies that signal it’s time for a break to protect our health.  We can look at our calendars and accept that saying no to another commitment would protect our time.  We can choose the option that may not build a resume but instead builds our sense of wellness.

We must learn to find our worth beyond our accomplishments if we’re ever to feel satisfied in our lives.  We can nurture a new culture that values compassionate self-care and balance.  You are worthy because you are, not because of what you do.

Consider the choices you’re facing right now.  How would striving serve you?  How would choosing a path of ease serve you?  Is there an opportunity right now to be brave enough to resist the drive to strive?

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form. 

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We all have moments when we lose our cool. It’s the end of a long, tiring day, and when your kids won’t cooperate with the bedtime routine, you find yourself yelling and slamming doors.  Or maybe you’re keyed up watching your favorite sports team, and when they get a bad call by the ref, you throw your phone to the ground and shatter the screen. 

This is what we call emotional reactivity.  The emotions seem to come on quickly, feeling as big as a tidal wave and just as impossible to harness.  We feel out of control of our own emotions and find ourselves doing or saying things we may later regret.  We may even be aware that our reaction is disproportionate to the preceding event but still feel unable to change course.

Being emotionally reactive is exhausting, feels out of control, with lots of potential for negative consequences.

We all become more emotionally reactive when we are tired, in pain, or stressed.  But some of us may feel stuck in a pattern of emotional reactivity.  We feel emotionally sensitive and fragile much of the time, crises seem to be lurking everywhere.  We might say things that hurt the people we love or create messes we must repeatedly clean up.  Knowing yourself and your vulnerability to being emotionally reactive can help you give yourself the space to better manage these moments.

It can be helpful to understanding what’s happening in the body during these moments of emotional flooding. When we perceive a situation as overwhelming, our body activates the stress response.  We release high levels of the stress hormone cortisol causing our nervous system to switch into the fight-flight-or-freeze mode. The emotional areas of our brain are highly activated while the thinking and processing part of our brain goes quiet.  We are literally too emotionally reactive to rationally process information or make thoughtful decisions.  This is when we may do or say things we later regret. 

Many people are especially reactive to certain themes or situations that trigger them.  Common themes include noticing injustices, feeling disrespected, or feeling one of your values is threatened.  Your feeling in the moment might be completely understandable as frustrated, angry, hurt, or threatened.  However, your degree of overwhelm and need to immediately act on this feeling is what can create problems.  Emotional reactivity can harm relationships when you frequently turn small events into crises.

The alternative to being emotionally reactive is learning to be more emotionally responsive.  When we are emotionally responsive, we notice the gradual buildup of feelings and find healthy ways to express our emotions before becoming overwhelmed.

The Differences Between Emotional Reactivity & Emotional Responsiveness

Learning to be emotionally responsive is a practice that takes time and intention.  Below are steps you can take to increase your emotional awareness, self-soothing, and healthy expression.

Strategies to Increase Emotional Responsiveness

1. Identify the themes that trigger you.
2. Notice if you’re more sensitive in certain situations, certain times of day, or with certain people.
3. Practice checking in with yourself to notice gradual changes in your body, heart, and mind so you can identify the gradual buildup of emotions before it feels overwhelming.
4. Name and accept your emotions as they surface.  Sometimes just saying to yourself, “I’m feeling sad today” can allow you to take care of yourself in healthy ways.
5. Choose when, where, and to whom you can safely express your feelings effectively.
6. Give yourself opportunities to get to the bottom of your feelings when you are in a safe time and space.  This might mean crying until you’re out of tears or screaming into a pillow until the pain softens.
7. During a calm moment, identify 2-3 self-soothing strategies that work for you such as deep breathing, singing, drinking water, going outside.
8. When emotions begin to elevate above a 6/10 intensity level, take steps to remove yourself from the stressful situation and practice self-soothing.

With time and practice, my patients who experienced emotional reactivity describe great pride and calm as they learn to experience and express their feelings effectively.  They often say they continue to experience as many daily hassles and stressors as they always have, but they’ve learned to respond differently.  The world around us does not need to change for us to feel different about how we move through it. 

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form. 

The post Turning Emotional Reactivity into Emotional Responsiveness: Strategies to Feel More in Charge of Your Emotions Rather than Emotions in Charge of You appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

Mother’s Day is a holiday meant to honor and celebrate motherhood.  It’s supposed to be an opportunity to shower moms with signs of appreciation and love.  Yet many mothers find ourselves working as hard as ever on this holiday, hosting events and accommodating everyone else’s schedules and needs.  We expect moms to do it all, all the time, for everyone else without having needs of our own.  It should be no wonder that moms end up burned out and exhausted. 

This Mother’s Day let’s celebrate with a call for moms to do what it takes to feel deeply nourished and for a support system that encourages this self-care.

The Demands

Let’s be real.  Moms can love our children fiercely and still acknowledge that mothering is a ton of hard work.  It’s a 24-hour, demanding job that requires an enormous amount of time, energy, attention, and patience.  It’s emotionally and mentally taxing.  Moms tend to the tears of bumped knees and broken hearts.  We try to diagnose and find care for kids with everything from stomach pains to anxiety and depression.  We are constantly trying to figure out how to best support and guide our kids through the challenges of this world.  Most of the time we’re guessing and hoping it works out okay. 

Even when moms aren’t with our children, we think about them, worry about them, plan for them.  We talk about our kids with our friends, family, therapists, trying so hard to give them what they need.  Moms often push past the aches and pains of our bodies to lift kids into car seats, drive to another game in the rain, stay up late helping with homework or friendship woes.  We feel ourselves edge toward an emotional breaking point at times, overwhelmed and digging even deeper into our own inner resources.

Sometimes every wonderful mom will just lose it.  We cry.  We yell.  We lock ourselves in the bathroom.  We have internalized the unrealistic standards that have been set for moms in our culture.   We push ourselves into burnout trying to do it all for everyone else while surviving on small sips of self-care when we’re utterly parched.  So we lose it sometimes.  Afterwards, we feel guilty and ashamed, pushing ourselves to give more and repeat the cycle.  We fear that self-care as a mom will seem selfish.  And no mother ever wants to be viewed as selfish.  It’s the very antithesis of our ideals of motherhood.

The Call for Self-Nurturing

What moms need more than anything is to feel replenished in deep, nurturing ways.  A healthy, nourished mom is the greatest gift a child or family can have.  We need to stop treating this as a luxury but instead as a basic necessity.  Moms need this type of care far more than flowers, breakfast in bed, or a coupon book for free hugs (although the handmade cards are still pretty adorable). 

Moms can reclaim Mother’s Day by creating a new tradition of self-nurturing.  Rather than trying to make anyone else happy or impress family and friends with cute, Mother’s Day pics, this holiday can be about moms giving ourselves the thoughtful care we so desperately need.  We must give ourselves permission to prioritize our wellness.

To accomplish this, moms and our support systems must value self-care. We need to set aside time for moms to do whatever it takes and ask for whatever is required to be the best version of ourselves. We all know that we have more to give others when we fill our own cups first. The following steps are designed to help moms identify their self-nurturing needs, ask for support, and create a practice that sustains this energy.

Mother’s Day Self-Nurturing Steps:

1. Identify what it takes to replenish yourself.  This is often the toughest part for moms.  Dedicated caretakers are so accustomed to being tuned into everyone else’s needs that they can lose touch with their own needs.  It takes a focused practice to look inward and ask yourself a what it would take to feel nurtured.  Begin by imagining one full day in service of your own wellness.  Imagine what you would do, where you would be during that day to feel rested, replenished, whole. Focus on how you could map your day based on factors that are in your control right now.  We cannot set expectations based on uncontrollable factors, like the children all getting along or keeping the house perfectly clean or perfectly sunny weather.  Instead, we can focus on making realistic choices to deeply care for ourselves.  Here are a few questions to get you started:

• How does my body, mind, and heart feel right now?
• What helps my body feel relaxed?
• What can I do to fuel my energy needs?
• How do I like to be shown love and appreciation?
• Do I want to be alone or with others to feel replenished?
• Who would I want to spend time with?
• What helps me feel my best?
• When do I feel most at ease?
• Where do I feel most myself?
• How much time do I need to feel really rested?
• What do I need from the people in my life to support this?
• What could I do less of so I can feel more energized?
• What would I tell someone I love to do in order to feel well?

2. Communicate to your family how you want to celebrate a nurturing Mother’s Day.  Every mom needs a community of support. Speaking your needs can feel both unfamiliar and uncomfortable.  It feels vulnerable to ask others to step up for us, especially to support our self-care.   We risk hearing that others can’t or won’t accommodate us.  This is why it’s important to focus your self-care needs on the factors you can control right now.  The act of asking for support is part of meaningful self-care. It’s a sign that we value and prioritize our own wellness as well as the wellness of everyone else in the family. It’s beneficial for children to grow up knowing that moms have needs and see examples of asking for support. It’s healthy for children to practice caring for mom too. Don’t wait for your partner or children to just know what you want.  No one will read your mind effectively. Take the time to speak your needs so your family has an opportunity to understand and care for you.   

3. Celebrate at a time that works for you.  Mother’s Day itself may already be full of kid activities or family parties that don’t meet your self-nurturing needs.  Or maybe the people you want to celebrate with aren’t available that day.  If you aren’t able to fulfill your needs for celebrating and nourishing yourself on Mother’s Day itself, then choose a separate date for your own events.  Knowing that you have a special day protected for your own self-care time will reduce the pressure on Mother’s Day itself to fulfill all these needs.

4. Repeat regularly.  A well nurtured mother requires regular practice of this type of self-care.  Plan how you will refill your cup regularly.  Create time for yourself like this each season, each month, each week, each day.  We don’t have to accept the small sips of self-care that leave us feeling burned out, parched.  Plan how you will continue to drink deeply from a well of self-nurturing.  You deserve this for your own health and wellness as well as the health of your children and family. 

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog.  If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com.

The post A Mother’s Day Call for Moms to Create a Self-Nurturing Practice appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

Are you always worrying about how to meet others’ needs? Do you constantly try to anticipate everyone’s moods and preferences so you can manage them? Does all this mental and emotional work come at the expense of your own needs? You’re not alone. In fact, many people struggle to honor their own feelings, opinions, and preferences. They are constantly ignoring or dismissing their own inner voice in order to try to make other people happy. The trouble is, this is an impossible task that will inevitably leave you utterly exhausted, resentful, and deeply dissatisfied.

So why do some many of us get trapped in this pattern of bypassing our own needs in order to take care of everyone else? Many people are raised with the ideal of becoming an altruistic caregiver. We are taught to value people pleasing and caretaking above all else. Women in particular are often given a message from early on that it is their job to make sure everyone is happy. And the implication is that your own happiness comes last. In fact, it is often considered selfish to tend to your own wants and needs. A life of sacrifice for others is the goal. Unfortunately, this goal is both impossible and unhealthy.

Being an altruistic caregiver is based on some basic myths about how emotions and relationships work. Recognize if you have been living according to these myths so that you can begin to challenge them.

Myths of Being an Altruistic Caregiver

You are able to sense the emotional needs of others at all times. The expectation is that you are constantly, accurately anticipating everyone else’s feelings and needs. You must sense the mood of others and devise ways to bring comfort. This requires an impossible degree of mind-reading to be in tune with all the people in your life both near and far.

You are actually capable of bringing happiness to others. Implied in this message of being the altruistic caregiver is the notion that happiness comes from the outside, from the actions of others or events in our lives. It may feel very rewarding and even powerful to offer comfort and good energy to someone you care able. But in the end, we are each responsible for our own feelings. Happiness comes from within. And people have a right to feel sad, disappointed, and angry too. Tolerating tough feelings in the people we love without rushing to “fix” things, gives them an opportunity to do their own emotional work.

Your energy is a limitless resource. A life of constant giving and caretaking requires a great deal of energy. And the more people you feel responsible for, the more exhausted you will become. Altruistic caregivers tend to have great difficulty setting up limits and boundaries around who they are responsible for. So they gradually find themselves spread thin as they tend to the emotional needs of spouse, children, parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc. They can even end up in a conversation with a stranger at the checkout line and slip into a role of offering support and help.

Caretaking will make people love and depend on you. Many people believe their value in a relationship is to give unconditionally. Afterall, we all want to be accepted, loved, needed. While this caretaking comes from a genuine place of genuine good will, helpers can surprisingly end up in an unhealthy power dynamic. Caretaking creates a power imbalance. The person being cared for feels dependent and may wind up feeling childlike or resentful, viewing the caretaker as too controlling or manipulative. Conversely, the caregiver who does not feel appreciated or balanced may feel taken for granted or unfairly burdened. This breeds distance rather than intimacy.

Your own feelings, preferences, opinions, and needs always come last. Selfless actions are healthy only when they take place in a relationship with balance, where there is a fair give and take. When one person is constantly suppressing his/her own needs, it takes a significant emotional and physical toll. We have little to give anyone else when we are completely depleted. We end up angry, depressed, overwhelmed, sick, or in pain. Chronic illnesses can develop from this pattern of emotional suppression.

Move Toward Balanced Caretaking & Caregiving

Feeling worthy to honor your own feelings, opinions, and preferences is a personal journey well worth taking. It requires self-reflection to really listen to your inner voice. Notice your own discomfort when the people you care about are struggling and see if you can tolerate their feelings for awhile. Resist the urge to constantly anticipate, soften, fix things for others. Give yourself and them permission to struggle and feel. You may find it helpful to tune into your body to identify your feelings. Try reading and journal writing to explore your own opinions and preferences. Play around with voicing yourself to the people you feel safest with first. Choose to take care of yourself in small ways each day. And explore who you are beyond being a caretaker. Give yourself the opportunity to put energy into your passions. Acknowledge your preferences without apology or justification. Practice setting limits and saying no to caretaking that doesn’t feel balanced. You’ll know you’ve made progress when you find yourself making choices that feel authentic and energy building.

If you are struggling to make meaningful changes that honor your own self-worth, it may be time to seek extra help. Psychotherapy can be a helpful tool to challenge these old patterns and create healthier ones moving forward.

Written by Suzanne Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, postpartum issues, wellness, relationships, and parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with Dr. Smith, please contact Lakefront Psychology at 216-870-9816.

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