We live in a culture that promotes striving, grinding, and achieving.  We often measure our worth based on how hard we push ourselves to grow and accomplish in a day, season, or year.  When faced with a choice of whether to take on a new challenge, we feel pressured to dive in.  The consequence of choosing an alternative is guilt, shame, or feelings of being a failure.

While we know that there are important benefits to pushing ourselves to face challenges and accomplish goals, the problem arises when we feel there is no other option. We default into constantly striving for more.

How well is this really working for you? 

If we believe the cultural message that choosing not to strive is the equivalent of failing, then we trap ourselves in endless pursuit.  We never feel satisfied.  We must constantly seek the next goal to push our growth edge. 

It’s exhausting.

This style of living also has health consequences.  We put our bodies and minds into a state of constant stress as we adjust to each transition.  We may suffer from disrupted sleep, fatigue, muscle aches, headaches, anxiety, irritability, mental overwhelm.

Perhaps the real challenge is to allow yourself to choose a path of ease. 

During a hiking trip I took with a friend a few years ago, we encountered a point along the trail where we had to make a choice.  We could follow the other hikers who were scrambling up a tight crevice and continuing to the highest point of the mountain or we could turn down the gentler trail and hike along the lowlands.  We stood there a while assessing the scene.  Some people came back down the trail with beaming faces, talking about the incredible views from the top.  Others were shaking and in tears with fear of the tight space, physical demands, and incredible heights.  Internally, we wrestled with our own inner drives to face the challenge and, quite literally, get to the top of the hill despite joint pain and fatigue.  The default decision was to push ourselves to climb that hill.  Then we turned toward each other with hesitation and almost simultaneously said, “Can we just not?”  We chose the path of ease.  We resisted the idea that we would have a lesser experience if we chose to skip the summit.

This experience taught me a helpful lesson about what growth really means to me.  Despite my cultural indoctrination that prizes achievement, I have recognized that the bravest choice is sometimes doing less, backing off.  We can find our feelings of satisfaction and worth by gently taking care of ourselves.  We can listen to messages from our bodies that signal it’s time for a break to protect our health.  We can look at our calendars and accept that saying no to another commitment would protect our time.  We can choose the option that may not build a resume but instead builds our sense of wellness.

We must learn to find our worth beyond our accomplishments if we’re ever to feel satisfied in our lives.  We can nurture a new culture that values compassionate self-care and balance.  You are worthy because you are, not because of what you do.

Consider the choices you’re facing right now.  How would striving serve you?  How would choosing a path of ease serve you?  Is there an opportunity right now to be brave enough to resist the drive to strive?

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form. 

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Most of us are extremely hard on ourselves.  In the privacy of our inner thoughts, we spend a lot of time judging ourselves harshly, pointing out our failings, and beating ourselves up for every misstep.  We say things to ourselves, about ourselves, that we would never utter about someone we loved.  And this dark voice in our heads contributes to depression, anxiety, low motivation, and relationship troubles.

Most of us have tried to change these thoughts.  We read inspirational quotes and try repeating positive mantras.  Yet these strategies often don’t really stick.  Ironically, when we struggle to benefit from positive self-talk, we chalk it up to another personal failure.  But there’s a reason these efforts are doomed to fail.  This is because we don’t really believe them.  Changing our inner thoughts about ourselves requires more than trying to insert a few positive thoughts in a sea of self-criticism.  We have to look deeper at our core beliefs about ourselves if we’re to have any lasting change. 

Many people are not even aware that beneath these negative thoughts we have about ourselves is a much deeper belief that we are not really worthy, not worthy of love, success, happiness. Or we believe that our worth is conditional, that we must earn our self-worth by being perfect, beautiful, constantly tending to others needs, making lots of money, the list goes on and on. 

After years of working with people who suffer with critical self-talk, it has become clear to me that many of us need to focus on reclaiming our self-worth.   If we begin to understand our deeper beliefs about self-worth, we can start creating a more positive relationship with ourselves.  Only then will we learn to love ourselves without the pressure to constantly earn or prove our worth.  

Recognize the Unhealthy Messages You Carry About Your Self-Worth

How we feel about ourselves is something we learn throughout our lives from interactions with our world.  We begin developing feelings about our worth during childhood when we ask the adults in our lives for attention and care.  In adolescence, we look to our peers to determine how to fit in, be accepted, have value to others.  And throughout our lives we continue comparing ourselves to others in our culture and communities.  Social media has contributed to an explosion of these social comparisons.  We evaluate our personal worth based on what we see as valued around us.

Many of us did not have parents capable of listening to our feelings and responding to our needs.  Often we learned that our worth must be earned.  Maybe attention and support was only given when we had perfect grades or made the team or sacrificed ourselves to take care of others. Maybe it felt unacceptable to be our true selves. And all too often, our Western culture determines value based on external things like looking incredible, being financial success, and being popular.  No wonder we struggle to have a strong sense of worth and wind up viewing ourselves as failures.

It’s time to ask yourself, how do you determine your worth?  In the quiet of your mind when no one is listening, how do you judge yourself?  Do you focus on appearance factors, such as how flat your stomach is, how much you weigh, whether others are attracted to you?  Do you judge yourself more by how professionally successful you are, how prestigious your job, how much money you make?  Or is your value based more on relationships in your life, whether you have a big group of friends, if you’re constantly caretaking, or whether you are loved?  Maybe you only feel good about yourself if you’re highly productive, performing perfectly, juggling a million tasks, crossing everything off your to do list? Be honest with yourself.  The clearer you are about how you measure your worth, the more effectively you can change it.

Challenge Unhealthy Beliefs that Hold You Back

Most of us have unhealthy beliefs we carry about how we earn value in this world.  We determine our personal worth based on external factors that we can’t fully control.  And we often undervalue our unique strengths and gifts.  Notice where these messages came from for you.  How did you learn to value this quality above all else?  What did you observe growing up about what it takes to earn attention and acceptance?  What are your examples of people who seem successful and what makes them that way?

Ask yourself whether this measure of self-worth still works for you.  Give yourself permission to challenge old notions of what it takes to earn value.  Is this who you still want to be?  Is this how you believe people earn love and acceptance?  Would you teach someone you love to measure their self-worth based on this?  If your answers are no, no, and no, then it’s time to rebuild your self-worth from within.

Rebuilding Self-Worth from Within

We all have the capacity to change our core beliefs about who we are.  What if you allowed yourself to feel a deep sense of self-worth without having to do or be anything?  This gift could open up the possibility of loving yourself unconditionally.  This means learning to fully accept and love yourself exactly as you are.  Practice fully acknowledging who you are, in all your complicated glory. 

How you go about creating a more compassionate belief about yourself is very personal.  There’s no formula or one right way to do this.  Trust your own style and process.  You can explore your feelings of worth through meditation, journaling, art, or talking about it with people you love and trust.  You can create a gratitude practice of appreciating yourself for a moment at a time.  Let yourself take a deep dive into being fully present with yourself as you shed old, unhealthy beliefs about how to judge your worth. Peel away the messaging that your worth is something you must earn.  You don’t need to look outside yourself to be whole.  You can fully accept yourself in the process of change.

Rebuilding your sense of unconditional self-worth is a practice.  It takes time and intention to gradually release yourself from old messages that no longer serve you.  It’s helpful to enlist support in the process.  Maybe you have a close friend or family member to share this experience with, someone who loves you and will support your efforts to love yourself more.  Maybe it would be helpful to work on this with a trained therapist who could explore your core beliefs and help you create new ones.  You choose the path that works best for you.  The key is to keep practicing this act of self-liberation by consciously, intentionally allowing yourself to believe you are worthy at your core.

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog.  If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling an appointment at Lakefront Psychology, LLC for a psychotherapy consultation, please call 216-870-9816.

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Many people come to my office looking to “fix” themselves. They seek a change that will somehow bring them a sense of happiness or wholeness. They often have already worked hard to escape their anxiety or depression to beat their bodies into shape to transform their relationships or throw themselves into one project after another. Yet they inevitably find that all this effort has left them feeling disappointed and empty.

This is because the core belief beneath this frantic “fixing” effort is that deep down they are damaged or broken. Beneath what may look like healthy activities from the outside are inner thoughts full of criticism and shame. Outwardly, they seem to be focused on self-improvement as they hit the gym, renovate their homes, excel professionally or even go to therapy. But inwardly there are toxic messages about how futile these efforts are in the face of being fundamentally damaged.

This feeling of being broken may rise during times of severe stress, emotional struggle, or loss. But often it has been planted there much earlier in our development. The message may have originated from our family members, classmates, or an unhealthy relationship. And we heard enough truth in this message that we internalized it. We believe ourselves to be broken in some basic way so that each time we struggle it seems to confirm our greatest fears. We are broken and must be fixed.

This is not true.

This is faulty thinking that is both harmful and limiting. When we view ourselves as broken, we make the irrational assumption that the world is split into some people who are healthy and whole and other people who are damaged and broken. And we place ourselves into that broken group.

The truth is that everyone has areas of struggle. Life is fraught with stressful events both good and bad, many of them outside of our control. We have biological differences and unique family histories. We each have our own challenges to face and style of managing these.

When I see someone who is stuck in an endless cycle of self-improvement projects that always leave him/her disappointed, we begin by exploring whether this mission of “fixing” is based on the core belief that he/she is broken.  We challenge this very belief system. The only way out of this cycle of shame, self-destruction, and punishment is to develop self-compassion. Instead of spending energy on all these efforts to fix themselves, we focus on loving themselves. This is where the meaningful growth and healing can begin. Being gentle with ourselves makes room for lasting change.

Written by Suzanne Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, postpartum issues, wellness, relationships, and parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with Dr. Smith, please contact Lakefront Psychology at 216-870-9816.

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