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One of the greatest gifts parents can give our children is a secure attachment.  But many of us may not be certain what that actually means or how to create it.  About half of us grew up without secure attachments with our own caregivers.  So we may not have healthy modeling to go from. 

Dr. Dan Siegel has done extensive research on attachment that can help us understand the benefits of secure attachments and the steps we parents can take to nurture it for our children.

Benefits of Secure Attachment

• Positive self-esteem
• Improved emotional regulation
• Social competence
• Empathy
• Lower overall stress levels
• Improved ability to develop and learn
• Improved immunity and overall physical health
• Confidence and self-reliance

All parents have the capacity to develop a secure attachment with our children, regardless of how we were parented.  Research has demonstrated that the key to being able to offer healthy attachment is having a “coherent narrative” of our own upbringing. Depending on how you grew up, this may require some personal work and/or psychotherapy.  In short, this involves developing an understanding of our parents and what shaped their emotional availabilities.  This helps us develop compassion for our parents as humans who were likely doing the best they could with what they knew.  Our story for our childhood feels cohesive when we feel a sense of acceptance or peace about how we grew up and were shaped by these experiences.

Dr. Siegel has identified four conditions we can create that help our children develop a secure attachment.  He calls them the Four S’s.

The 4 S’s of Creating Secure Attachment

Safe – This means children grow up with a high degree of stability and low degree of chaos.  We do our best to protect them from being frightened or hurt.

Seen – This means we understand and validate our children’s emotional experiences.  We take the time to describe our understanding of their inner worlds so they have the emotional vocabulary and understanding of themselves.  They trust we value their emotional experiences.

Soothed – We help children learn the skills for calming their nervous systems by offering soothing in many forms.  This soothing may look different during different stages of development.  We may hug, sing, offer bandages, talk through difficult times, help them seek comfort, etc.

Secure – Through all these conditions, we help our children develop an inner sense of well-being.  They learn that all emotions are important and acceptable as well as skills for navigating them. 

As parents it is helpful to understand the recipe that exists to nurture a strong, secure attachment style with our children.  But we must also remember that we’re human and will miss opportunities now and then.  We might be too busy or distracted to really see our children in a tough moment or offer the soothing they need.  This is okay.  This is not harmful. 

Missed opportunities to connect with our children provide a new kind of opportunity.  We can always offer a repair experience!  It is highly valuable to show our children that we take responsibility for our missteps and put forth the effort to reconnect.  We can teach them that it’s normal and healthy to say we’re sorry sometimes. 

As parents, we have opportunities to nurture a secure attachment throughout the years. As our children grow and their emotional worlds change, we are called upon to understand them and connect with them differently. How we listen to the emotional world of a toddler will be different than a teenager. Over time, we create a culture in our families where we support one another’s emotional experiences and make it safe to be vulnerable together.

If you would like to read more from Dr. Dan Siegel about parenting and secure attachment, check out his books The Whole Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind and Parenting from the Inside Out.

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form.

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About this time every year, moms roll into therapy sessions with a mix of exhaustion and panic on their faces.  “Summer is halfway through, and we haven’t done half the things we wanted to!”  While they describe feeling very busy and overwhelmed with summer parenting tasks, they also feel guilty for not creating all those magical moments.  This…is an impossible expectation that contributes to feeling like a parenting failure.  And feeling like a parenting failure doesn’t help anyone.

In order to develop a summer parenting survival guide, we must first understand and the challenge at hand. 

Let’s be real.  Parenting in the summer is like moving up to the next level of challenge in a video game.  Once your kids are into the school years, you have a regular routine and predictable breaks from parenting from September through May.  You feel the peace of knowing your kids are in school doing stuff that is good for them cognitively and socially for a few hours a day.  But once summer hits, the pressure on parents to fill the hours with healthy, enriching, safe activities can feel overwhelming.

One potential parenting solution for the summer involves signing kids up for summer camps.  But this process is not for the faint of heart.  It usually begins in the frigid months of winter to assure your child a spot in the favorite nature, art, or athletic camp of their choice.  It may require signing on early to websites like you’re trying to get the best tickets to the hottest concert.  And it may require complicated coordination with multiple kids’ schedules or friends who help with carpools.  You also can’t fill the summer schedule too early because new camp opportunities get posted throughout the spring.  It’s a delicate balance of scheduling kids for some structured activities while leaving free time in the summer.  Their needs and ability to manage free time changes from year to year.

While summer camp may sound like a great substitute for school, it often requires weekly management of the carpool plans.  Sunday evenings are spent pouring over the family schedule and sending texts to friends and family in order to get kids where they need to be on time each day.  And this doesn’t even include packing the necessary items for each day’s activities for each child.  The checklist for a half-day art camp is gonna be different than a full-day zoo camp.  And that doesn’t even include the weekly “water day” at each camp with the extra squirters, towels, swimsuits, etc.  Make the list and check it twice!

Summer also comes with the unseen pressure to have lots of FUN.  There’s a fantasy that summer days are spent enjoying sunshine, water games, popsicles, all the summer activities.  Parents are expected to create magical moments and plan lots of outings.  One trip to the pool or the beach comes with a series of challenges from getting everyone dressed to sunscreen to packing drinks and snacks to reapplying sunscreen to cleanup.  The effort can certainly feel worth it now and then.  But it’s important to acknowledge that these outings come with a great deal of work i.e., a bucket of sand dumped in the trunk. 

This pressure is magnified when you dare to scroll through social media and see what all your friends and neighbors are doing each day.  We see photos of smiling families at the ball game, on the boat, taking vacations and feel our own life comes up short.  We may feel guilty that our kids don’t have all the same experiences because we are working or juggling responsibilities or following a budget.

Then there’s the extra long days and endless messes to contend with.  The sun keeps shining well past the hour you’re ready to get off the clock and have kids tucked in beds.  It can be difficult to maintain a regular routine of bedtimes and wake times with the sunshine beaming into children’s rooms at 5am.  And all these people in the house all day leave dishes, trash, towels, and socks everywhere. It can feel like the house never gets fully picked up and clean.

The summer parenting challenge changes when your children are in the tween years and have aged out of most camps without being old enough be left alone or have a job.  Each kid’s ability to manage their time and independence varies.  Sometimes they can shift to volunteering as helpers at the camps or other local programs.  This too usually requires carpool planning.  Their need for supervision doesn’t disappear even though they feel too old to have a babysitter.  It can take some trial and error to allow them some freedoms with frequent check ins as you determine how much independence they can really manage.

I’m happy to pass along some survival tips collected from many mothers who have braved this season many times over in hopes it could make this summer parenting experience feel less stressful and more enjoyable. 

Summer Parenting Survival Tips:

• Stick to a general routine of sleep and wake times.
• Get help from family, friends, and sitters.
• Protect quiet days for rest and recovery, including allowing some screen time.
• Plan a couple of the “must do” outings into the summer schedule before it fills up.
• Give kids the gift of boredom.
• Use blackout curtains and eye masks for those long days of sunshine.
• Curb your use of social media to avoid social comparisons.
• Enjoy a few late nights with the knowledge that the next morning might be rough but worth it.
• Create opportunities to be alone and replenish.
• Make certain you’re feeding yourself decent food a few times during the day.
• Let kids be responsible for age-appropriate chores, like filling their water bottles and packing bags for the day.
• Give yourself permission to put kids to bed without baths or brushed teeth some nights.
• Make notes about what worked well this summer and what you’d like to change for next summer.

All of these strategies can help us navigate summer parenting with a bit more grace.  But the real antidote to feeling like a parenting failure is to make two major shifts. First, accept that a lot of summer parenting is stressful. Second, marinate in the meaningful, joyful moments as they arise.  When we learn to adjust our expectations and appreciate our realities, we find greater satisfaction in our lives.  It also doesn’t hurt to find a little humor in the experience and share it with friends.

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form. 

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We live in a culture that promotes striving, grinding, and achieving.  We often measure our worth based on how hard we push ourselves to grow and accomplish in a day, season, or year.  When faced with a choice of whether to take on a new challenge, we feel pressured to dive in.  The consequence of choosing an alternative is guilt, shame, or feelings of being a failure.

While we know that there are important benefits to pushing ourselves to face challenges and accomplish goals, the problem arises when we feel there is no other option. We default into constantly striving for more.

How well is this really working for you? 

If we believe the cultural message that choosing not to strive is the equivalent of failing, then we trap ourselves in endless pursuit.  We never feel satisfied.  We must constantly seek the next goal to push our growth edge. 

It’s exhausting.

This style of living also has health consequences.  We put our bodies and minds into a state of constant stress as we adjust to each transition.  We may suffer from disrupted sleep, fatigue, muscle aches, headaches, anxiety, irritability, mental overwhelm.

Perhaps the real challenge is to allow yourself to choose a path of ease. 

During a hiking trip I took with a friend a few years ago, we encountered a point along the trail where we had to make a choice.  We could follow the other hikers who were scrambling up a tight crevice and continuing to the highest point of the mountain or we could turn down the gentler trail and hike along the lowlands.  We stood there a while assessing the scene.  Some people came back down the trail with beaming faces, talking about the incredible views from the top.  Others were shaking and in tears with fear of the tight space, physical demands, and incredible heights.  Internally, we wrestled with our own inner drives to face the challenge and, quite literally, get to the top of the hill despite joint pain and fatigue.  The default decision was to push ourselves to climb that hill.  Then we turned toward each other with hesitation and almost simultaneously said, “Can we just not?”  We chose the path of ease.  We resisted the idea that we would have a lesser experience if we chose to skip the summit.

This experience taught me a helpful lesson about what growth really means to me.  Despite my cultural indoctrination that prizes achievement, I have recognized that the bravest choice is sometimes doing less, backing off.  We can find our feelings of satisfaction and worth by gently taking care of ourselves.  We can listen to messages from our bodies that signal it’s time for a break to protect our health.  We can look at our calendars and accept that saying no to another commitment would protect our time.  We can choose the option that may not build a resume but instead builds our sense of wellness.

We must learn to find our worth beyond our accomplishments if we’re ever to feel satisfied in our lives.  We can nurture a new culture that values compassionate self-care and balance.  You are worthy because you are, not because of what you do.

Consider the choices you’re facing right now.  How would striving serve you?  How would choosing a path of ease serve you?  Is there an opportunity right now to be brave enough to resist the drive to strive?

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form. 

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Lakefront Psychology, LLC is celebrating five years providing expert care with compassion. It’s an honor to serve the mental health needs of our community and be a trusted resource during difficult times.

I want to take this opportunity to share a personal message of gratitude to all the individuals I’ve had the opportunity to work with these past few years. As a psychotherapist, I don’t often talk about how this work affects me, what it means to me. And I think it’s time you know how very lucky I feel each day that I get to do this job. People often thank me for the work we do, but the gratitude flows both ways. People are often afraid of burdening me with their troubles, but the experience of working on them together fills my cup. I want my patients to understand my perspective of this work and them because I promise to always be authentic.

When I look at my schedule for the day, I feel excited to connect with each and every person on my calendar, looking forward to hearing updates and exploring where we go next. Your willingness to be vulnerable and open with me is humbling.

I know full well how challenging it is to reach out for help from the very beginning. By the time we speak on the phone for the first time, you’ve already had to overcome a variety obstacles. You’ve had to come to terms with the extent of your struggles. You may have faced stigma about having mental health issues and asking for help. You’ve had to search for providers and sought a match for your needs. And I appreciate how brave it is to trust a total stranger with your most personal feelings and issues you may not speak aloud with anyone else in your life.

I feel so fortunate to sit with you during the heavy sad times, during the vibrating anxious times, and during the painfully frustrating times working through old patterns again and again. You continue to show up to do the work that can feel painful at first. Sometimes we let the tears flow. Sometimes we sit in silence. Sometimes we laugh together. Sometimes we meditate and practice new strategies to help you cope with all the heaviness. Sometimes I don’t have the answers as we grapple together with the challenges in our world. We commiserate on the messiness of life and parenting and making relationships work. And always we are real with one other. You know I am human, and I care about you.

I see your exhaustion and frustration. I see you trying. I see you digesting the things we talk about in between sessions. And I see your persistence and commitment. This is tough work that requires a lot of you. I feel so lucky to get to know you this way.

I’m grateful to share the moments of insight and progress, when you understand yourself differently or find yourself handling things better than you would have in the past. I’m grateful to wade through the weeds of stagnation and hold hope for you when you can’t find it for yourself. I’m grateful to witness your learning and growing and treating yourself with the kindness you deserve.

The practice of being a healthy human in this world is a messy, rewarding process. I am contually impressed by your willingness to be vulnerable and your resilience. I learn from you. I get such fulfillment and challenge from this work that helps me become a better person too. It’s a privilege to do this work with each and every one of you, whether our work has wrapped up for awhile or is still in progress.

I look forward to many more years in this prctice and the promise of getting to know new, amazing people who are willing to embark on this challenge with me. Thank you all!

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. owner and clinicial psychologist at Lakefront Psychology, LLC.

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A client recently shared that listening to podcasts always results in more anxiety for her because she feels there’s so much to learn and so much to do “right.” The burden to cultivate humans who survive their adolescence, care about themselves, others, their planet, nutrition, exercise, science, the arts, and the dog’s bathroom needs  at the same time I’m cooking dinner after soccer practice and before piano lessons is…heavy.  Parenting can become so stressful and exhausting it feels like a job with no benefits.

Moms often ask us for practical tips on how to feel less anxious and more happy in parenting. And we have many!  However, a review of these coping skills is not a directive to add all of them to your to-do list. Once, after a session of coping skill review, a client walked out promising facetiously: “I’m going to do all the things!” 

Herein lies the problem, of course. We can’t set the bar at doing all the things! Expecting ourselves to do all the things is a set up for failure.  We will quickly find ourselves overwhelmed and unable to sustain so many changes at once.  We then assume that WE are the failures rather than THE PLAN being a failure from the start. 

Let’s set our intentions at trying to do one or two new things each week.  Start with the steps that seem easiest to work into your busy schedule with the greatest potential reward.  We want to choose steps that feel both important and achievable.  The goal is to gradually build a package of strategies that replenishes your energy and helps you cope with uncomfortable feelings.  You can try different strategies each week as you piece together a plan that works for you.  

When you figure out your personalized collection of strategies that work, you’ll feel more emotionally stable and energized so you can actually enjoy your kids too. Parenting can be a job with perks for all of you!

Begin by selecting 2-3 strategies from the following menus. Each week examine what worked best and decide if you want to switch strategies or add a new one.

Strategies to Set Yourself Up For Success: 

• Be open to the idea that you can improve the moment and, in doing so, can improve your day and your general well-being. Once you’re open, ask yourself, “How can I feel better in the next 10 minutes?…the next hour?” 
• Police your social media exposure. Clients often admit that after they’ve scrolled through facebook or instagram they find themselves feeling “frantic,” “anxious,” or “less than” as they inevitably compare their personal lives to others’ highlight reels
  • Remove apps from your home screen
  • Turn off notifications
  • Snooze people who increase your distress
• Consider how your exposure to the news affects your fears, hope, irritability. For example, if you know you are anti-war and you collect clothes for relocated war victims, then maybe give yourself permission to stop reading or listening to the horrible details of war. If you can’t sleep tonight, that doesn’t help the war victims.  The same is true no matter what stressful news you’re consuming.  Take action in ways that feel meaningful then set limits on absorbing more content.
• Assert yourself and your needs at home and work.  Let the people who are closest to you know that you need to prioritize taking care of yourself and what they can do to support this. Where possible, speak your mind. Research shows that lack of assertiveness is correlated with low mood.
• Say no to obligations and people who drain you. Your energy, time and attention are limited resources that you must spend wisely. In order to have what you need for yourself and your family, you must set limits elsewhere.
• Go to therapy. Sometimes we need a professional to help us sort through our feelings and take steps toward healing. 
• Carefully consider your circle of control and actively shed worries that lie outside of it. Apply rock solid boundaries where possible. If someone’s issue is not in your square, let go and leave it to them. 
• Adopt a present-tense focus over dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Catch yourself shining your brain spotlight on thoughts like: “I wouldn’t feel this way if 5 years ago I had…” or “If she can’t do it now how will she ever move out of the house?” Rein in that light. Refocus. Stay present.

Strategies to Replenish Your Energy & Boost Your Mood

• Practice Daily Gratitude https://lakefrontpsychology.com/2019/09/20/boosting-joy-with-gratitude-practical-steps-to-build-a-meaningful-practice/
• If you have a partner, schedule time to connect or possibly have sex.
• Move your body.
• Sleep.
• Meditate.
• Get outside into nature.
• Watch a funny movie or show.
• Connect with a friend.
• Name your feeling and practice holding space for it. Just allow the feeling to be present and notice how it feels in your body, heart, and mind for a few breaths.
• Read a book (for adult audiences!).
• Revive a hobby or activity you’ve always loved.
• Celebrate your daily successes. Make a ta-da list rather than a to-do list. Note all of your successes each day, including when you choose NOT to do something that would be draining.
• Create a calm or inspiring space for yourself in your home.
• Speak to yourself like you would to someone you deeply loved and respected.

Strategies to Enjoy Time With Your Kids

• Teach your kids about something you love.  Share your passions and interests with them in ways they can participate. Show them how to cook your favorite meal, point out your local trees during a hike, listen to your favorite musical artist together or share your love of your favorite sports team.  The options are endless.
• Do things you genuinely enjoy doing with your kids rather than what you think parents should be doing or what others are doing. Stop worrying about enrichment or instagram worth moments. Watch shows you both enjoy, cheer on your football team, walk the dog, play cards, flip through magazines, sing. 
• Spend 10-15 minutes doing something your kid really loves to do. Let them teach you all about it knowing you have a time limit. Do not instruct or direct. Simply absorb. And then be proud of yourself for joining their world! 
• Record your kids doing activities they enjoy, then watch the videos together.
• Teach kids how to help you with household chores. They learn to appreciate the work of running a household and eventually reduce your daily burden.
• Share gratitudes with your kids.
• Laugh. What were you doing the last time you laughed together? Do more of that. 

We hope you find satisfaction in choosing your own adventure with these strategies. Focusing on “some of the things,” rather than “all of the things” is a gift you can give yourself and your family.

Co-written by Carrie King, Ph.D., Clinical Child Psychologist and Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist. If you are interested in learning more about Dr. King’s work, you can visit her website https://drcarrieking.com/

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We all have moments when we lose our cool. It’s the end of a long, tiring day, and when your kids won’t cooperate with the bedtime routine, you find yourself yelling and slamming doors.  Or maybe you’re keyed up watching your favorite sports team, and when they get a bad call by the ref, you throw your phone to the ground and shatter the screen. 

This is what we call emotional reactivity.  The emotions seem to come on quickly, feeling as big as a tidal wave and just as impossible to harness.  We feel out of control of our own emotions and find ourselves doing or saying things we may later regret.  We may even be aware that our reaction is disproportionate to the preceding event but still feel unable to change course.

Being emotionally reactive is exhausting, feels out of control, with lots of potential for negative consequences.

We all become more emotionally reactive when we are tired, in pain, or stressed.  But some of us may feel stuck in a pattern of emotional reactivity.  We feel emotionally sensitive and fragile much of the time, crises seem to be lurking everywhere.  We might say things that hurt the people we love or create messes we must repeatedly clean up.  Knowing yourself and your vulnerability to being emotionally reactive can help you give yourself the space to better manage these moments.

It can be helpful to understanding what’s happening in the body during these moments of emotional flooding. When we perceive a situation as overwhelming, our body activates the stress response.  We release high levels of the stress hormone cortisol causing our nervous system to switch into the fight-flight-or-freeze mode. The emotional areas of our brain are highly activated while the thinking and processing part of our brain goes quiet.  We are literally too emotionally reactive to rationally process information or make thoughtful decisions.  This is when we may do or say things we later regret. 

Many people are especially reactive to certain themes or situations that trigger them.  Common themes include noticing injustices, feeling disrespected, or feeling one of your values is threatened.  Your feeling in the moment might be completely understandable as frustrated, angry, hurt, or threatened.  However, your degree of overwhelm and need to immediately act on this feeling is what can create problems.  Emotional reactivity can harm relationships when you frequently turn small events into crises.

The alternative to being emotionally reactive is learning to be more emotionally responsive.  When we are emotionally responsive, we notice the gradual buildup of feelings and find healthy ways to express our emotions before becoming overwhelmed.

The Differences Between Emotional Reactivity & Emotional Responsiveness

Learning to be emotionally responsive is a practice that takes time and intention.  Below are steps you can take to increase your emotional awareness, self-soothing, and healthy expression.

Strategies to Increase Emotional Responsiveness

1. Identify the themes that trigger you.
2. Notice if you’re more sensitive in certain situations, certain times of day, or with certain people.
3. Practice checking in with yourself to notice gradual changes in your body, heart, and mind so you can identify the gradual buildup of emotions before it feels overwhelming.
4. Name and accept your emotions as they surface.  Sometimes just saying to yourself, “I’m feeling sad today” can allow you to take care of yourself in healthy ways.
5. Choose when, where, and to whom you can safely express your feelings effectively.
6. Give yourself opportunities to get to the bottom of your feelings when you are in a safe time and space.  This might mean crying until you’re out of tears or screaming into a pillow until the pain softens.
7. During a calm moment, identify 2-3 self-soothing strategies that work for you such as deep breathing, singing, drinking water, going outside.
8. When emotions begin to elevate above a 6/10 intensity level, take steps to remove yourself from the stressful situation and practice self-soothing.

With time and practice, my patients who experienced emotional reactivity describe great pride and calm as they learn to experience and express their feelings effectively.  They often say they continue to experience as many daily hassles and stressors as they always have, but they’ve learned to respond differently.  The world around us does not need to change for us to feel different about how we move through it. 

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form. 

The post Turning Emotional Reactivity into Emotional Responsiveness: Strategies to Feel More in Charge of Your Emotions Rather than Emotions in Charge of You appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

So many of us feel like we simply have no time and no energy left for ourselves.  Our days feel full of endless responsibilities and chores.  We grind through the to do list each day, often multitasking to maximize efficiency.  Then we crash in the evening from sheer exhaustion only to wake up and begin the process all over again the next day.  This endless cycle inevitably leads to burnout.  We feel irritable, depleted, hopeless, and trapped.  We’re dying for a vacation from our lives.

But this pattern doesn’t have to be our daily norm.  We can create a new way to move through our days.  We can repurpose our time in a way that helps us feel more relaxed, replenished, and happy.

You may be surprised to hear that research has shown the typical American has more leisure time than fifty years ago.  This may sound unbelievable because it doesn’t feel the least bit relaxing.  There are a few reasons why we don’t feel like we have much downtime time.  One reason is the constant interruption from our technology.  Our phone notifications drag us out of moments meant to be relaxing.  We get work emails or alerts about stressful news or photos of an acquaintance’s tropical vacation pulling our attention away from dinner with the family or a walk with a friend.  And these distractions tend to fill us with guilt about what we “should” be doing and jealousy about what we wish we were doing.  It’s hard to ever feel fully present in a moment of leisure.

A second reason we don’t feel we have much downtime time is because it often comes in small moments scattered throughout the day rather than in one big chunk of an hour or two.  Brigid Schulte coined the term “time confetti” to describe these brief snippets of downtime which we tend to fill with stressful multitasking.  Think about the 8 minutes you have between meetings, the 10 minutes in the car pickup line, the 12 minutes before dinner needs to get started, etc.  We tend to fill these small segments of downtime with what we think is a “productive activity.”  We answer emails, make a phone call to schedule an appointment, respond to an invitation, research an item we’re shopping for, follow up on a favor from a friend, and on and on.  And before you know it, the time is gone without leaving us the least bit relaxed.  We never take a break! 

The good news is there are clear steps we can take to reclaim our leisure time so that we feel more relaxed and rejuvenated during the day. 

• Track your time confetti.  Start noticing those moments of unscheduled time during the day when you could be more intentional about taking a meaningful break.  See if you find regular opportunities to shift your attention from taking care of business or taking care of others toward taking care of you.
• Reduce interruptions from your devices.  Turn off notifications from your phone and computer.  You want to be more intentional about when you check in with work, friends, emails, etc. Utilize the do not disturb or focus setting on your phone.  Put your devices in a designated place off your person when you want to be really present.
• Set realistic expectations for the day.  Identify the tasks you want to prioritize so that you feel you were productive without overextending yourself.  You don’t need to do it all in one day. Plan your days with space to rest built in.
• Block your time.  Give yourself set times for specific activities you can do once or twice per day, like checking emails or responding to texts.  You do not need to be constantly available and responsive.  Reserve a block of time for activities that bring you relaxation or pleasure.
• Be intentional about how you spend your time confetti.  The key to feeling more relaxed and fulfilled throughout the day is to have a plan for what will help you feel restored.  Have a list of options on hand so you’re not wasting time debating what to do.  Think about what you find calming to your nervous system or uplifting to your spirit.  Here are some ideas to get you started.

With regular practice, we can create a daily pace that includes restorative rest. We can redefine a “good day” as one that includes calm and joy rather than a day filled with busyness. This may require a shift in values if you’re used to judging your worth based on productivity. But you will begin to find that when you prioritize taking care of yourself throughout the day, you’ll feel so much better and have more to offer others.

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form. 

The post Reclaiming Your Time to Restore Your Energy & Relax appeared first on Lakefront Psychology.

Congress recently enacted a “No Surprises Act” set to go into effect 1/1/2022. The act is intended to protect consumers from inadvertently receiving care from out of network providers they did not choose and thereby incurring unexpected medical bills. More information on the implementation of this federal act is available through the link below.

https://www.kff.org/health-reform/issue-brief/no-surprises-act-implementation-what-to-expect-in-2022/

There is great discussion and debate regarding how to best apply this act to private practice mental health providers. Given the ethics of my profession and my practice, there will be no situation in which you would inadvertently receive care from me without choice. All patients are given informed consent and practice agreement information prior to beginning our work together. And we agree upon the cost of services prior to scheduling our first session.

I am out of network for all but one insurance company, Medical Mutual of Ohio. However, even some people with this insurance carrier choose to pay out of network providers for service for a variety of reasons, including privacy.

If we currently work together, you are already aware of my charges and the cost for your services. We collaboratively determine the frequency and duration of our work based on your progress and goals. If you are someone considering working with me, I am happy to provide information regarding the costs of my evaluations and treatment services. Current information on the No Surpises Act indicates I should provide you with a diagnosis before we even meet, which would be both unethical and impossible without a thorough evaluation.

Rest assured I will always be transparent with you about the costs of services we agree upon together. This transparency is required by the ethical standards I have abided by for the past 19 years I have held my license in psychology. And it is part of a trusting relationship required for good therapeutic work.

You are always welcome to ask me about the costs of my services if you have any questions or concerns.

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“I love my kids, but I just need a break.”  This is the refrain I hear from dedicated, loving parents over and over again this past year.  It’s often said with a hint of shame for feeling so frustrated and fed up with the constant demands of parenting.  We live in a society that says we should love our kids unconditionally, and if we’re frustrated or annoyed by them, then we’re bad parents.  Yet it’s amazing how much parents can simultaneously love their children wholeheartedly while also desperately needing a break from the role of parenting. 

Parents are experiencing high levels of stress these days with inadequate resources to cope with it, according to a review by the American Psychological Association. The previous blog post in this series highlights some of the many reasons parents are grappling with sustained stress over the past 18 months. 

Stages of burnout

Psychologists have identified three stages of burnout.  First there is the sense of overwhelming exhaustion.  Exhaustion comes in many forms.  Parents of younger children tend to describe the physical fatigue resulting from endless caretaking and lack of sleep.  Parents of older children describe the emotional fatigue of managing the conflicts and worries of the adolescent world. 

The next phase is characterized by a drive to disengage.  Parents want to distance themselves from their kids to preserve their energy, often fantasizing about escape.  They feel so overwhelmed and incapable of meeting the needs of the family that parents find themselves emotionally protecting themselves. 

This leads to the final stage which is a lack of fulfillment.  Parents no longer find joy in parenting.  They go through the motions of keeping the family going while feeling empty inside.  They often describe feeling distressed, shame, and guilt about not being the engaged, enthusiastic parents they wish to be. 

No matter which stage of parental burnout you may be experiencing right now, it’s possible to take steps to manage the stress and exhaustion of parenting.  Each effort we make to care for ourselves will benefit the family system.

Strategies to Manage Burnout

Acknowledge the Suffering.  Managing a painful situation always begins by honoring the experience.  We must first own the fact that we are in a burnout state and recognize the full range of consequences we’re experiencing.  We need to identify the feelings of frustration, overwhelm, exhaustion, hopelessness.  Naming the feeling helps us find compassion for ourselves.  Take time to sit with these feelings when they arise rather than judging or denying them.  This may result in tears or a sense of heaviness.  Know that this is not permanent.  Emotions pass more quickly when we allow them to flow through us rather than avoiding, minimizing, or denying them.  Be gentle with yourself.  The link below has more on sitting with difficult feelings.

Reach Out for Support.  Loneliness and shame only increase the suffering of burnout.  It’s important to talk with people about your experience and ask for help when possible.  Don’t wait until you’re already at your wit’s end.  Try to connect with a network of understanding, compassionate friends to lift one another up and navigate the challenges together. Ask for practical help to share the burdens of parenting.  This may mean coordinating carpools and childcare swapping in ways that still feel safe with COVID-19 risks.  Often parents can help one another out in ways that benefit each family. 

Many people struggle to feel safe enough to ask friends or family for help, particularly those who have felt abandoned or let down in the past.  It can feel vulnerable to ask for help.  This is when it may be wise to seek professional help from a licensed therapist who can personalize a plan for you to manage your stress and process your feelings.

Take Micro Breaks.  Parents must prioritize creating time for meaningful breaks from the labor of parenting.  While your fantasy of a month-long beach vacation may not be realistic, this does not mean you should continue plowing through your days with no respite.  Every job requires breaks because it improves our performance.  This often means doing less of the many responsibilities and chores of parenting in order to offer more to yourself.  Imagine creating a steady practice of arranging your daily life to include time reserved to replenish yourself.

What this looks like will be different for each of us.  Think about how you renew your energy.  This could look like taking a walk outside, reading a few chapters of a book, catching up with a friend, working up a sweat, mediating, baking, dancing to fun music.  The options are endless, and your choice may vary from day to day.  The point is that we cannot pour from an empty cup.  And parents must refill their emotional, mental, and physical cups on a regular basis.  Trust that children benefit from the modeling of parents who practice good self-care.

Repair Your Relationships.  Burnout often results in parents either lashing out at the people we love or neglecting our relationships from sheer exhaustion.  Be compassionate and forgiving with yourself when this happens.  It does not mean you’re a bad person or a bad parent or a bad spouse.  You’re simply responding from a place of depletion and helplessness.  Beating yourself up for these mistakes is not only harmful to your well-being but also prevents the opportunity for repair. 

Know that the work of repairing these relationships is meaningful.  It makes relationships stronger, closer.  Take responsibility for your actions that feel inconsistent with your values.  You may need to apologize for something you said or how you raised your voice.  Maybe you overinflated a small moment and threw a big fit.  Own it.  Then make amends.  Do the work of reconnecting and finding common ground again.  Focus on being fully present with your loved ones without distractions, even for just 10 minutes each day.  This effort will build a sense of connection and safety.

Let Go of Perfectionist Goals.  Much of parental stress comes from all the “shoulds” in our minds…all the messages from our culture and media about how parents should act and feel.  We hold ourselves up to unrealistic standards to be perfectly nurturing, present, encouraging, and positive.  In the end, our inner critic tells us we always come up short.  We feel like failures.  And this only compounds burnout. 

Reframing how we speak to ourselves in our minds can help us have more compassion for ourselves so we can more effectively utilize the resources we still have.  One way to do this involves swapping out the “should” in our minds.  Rather than saying “I should be playing with my kids more,” while feeling exhausted and wracked with guilt, try swapping out the language and saying, “It would be great to have more energy to play with my kids.”  This language allows us to acknowledge our current situation without shame so we can focus our attention on our good intentions. 

Allow yourself to let go of expectations that involve meeting others’ approval or keeping up appearances. You don’t need to parent the way anyone else does. You don’t need to do it all, all the time.  You can make choices that prioritize your wellness as a way of caring deeply for your family.  This often means cutting back and saying no.  This means giving yourself grace to be messy and authentic.  Eventually, it means loving our imperfect selves.  And this is a beautiful message for children to learn.

Find Meaning Through Gratitude.  In the daily grind of life, we can lose track of what we most love about being a parent.  We often ruminate on the tough moments, playing out in our minds how things went sideways over and over again.  We beat ourselves up and feel even more exhausted and disappointed.  But we can refocus our minds.  We can make a conscious effort to spend time thinking about the highlights in each day.  Notice the moments when your children are kind, funny, sweet, helpful.  Notice what you love about them.  Notice the moments when you are connecting with them, reminding them they are loved, safe, and understood.  Notice when you have fun.  Notice the moments when others are there to support you.  Notice when you make a choice to take care of yourself.

Finding one moment a day that fills your heart with gratitude will help reconnect you with the joy of parenting again.  The more we recognize and spend energy on what is going well in our families, the better we feel about ourselves and our lives. 

Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness, perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below.  If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact form. 

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