Feeling taken for granted is one of the primary complaints that lead to relationship dissatisfaction. When couples come into my office to start couple’s therapy, both people often feel like they are not seen or valued. They both feel like they’re working hard with little reward or acknowledgement from the person whose opinion matters most.
And couples are often juggling many roles and responsibilities. The more responsibilities on their plates, the greater the demands for their individual time, energy and attention. They may have children or aging parents to care for. They may have a high needs family member who requires extra resources. They may both have jobs and careers they find rewarding. Then there’s the household chores to keep a home stocked, clean, and functional. Someone needs to manage the bills, make vacation plans, schedule doctor’s appointments, handle pet care, plan birthday parties, and holiday events.
It’s no wonder couples feel over-extended and exhausted!
Couples often struggle to effectively and routinely communicate how they would like to share these responsibilities in a way that feels fair. Instead, each person ends up silently carrying heavy loads and feeling resentful that their partner does not appreciate this. And the less appreciated we feel in a relationship, the harder it is to offer appreciation to our partner. We often don’t even see all the ways our partner contributes to our lives because we’re feeling so undervalued.
Developing a gratitude practice with your partner can dramatically improve each person’s feeling of appreciation and satisfaction. Make a commitment to dedicate just 5 minutes per day to this practice and notice how much better you feel about yourself and your relationship.
5-Minute Couple’s Gratitude Practice
Step 1: State one thing you did that day that you feel proud of.
There’s no validation more valuable than self-validation. Notice and celebrate yourself each day. Highlight anything that felt like an accomplishment, whether it’s an action you took or a boundary you kept. Maybe you appreciate getting your kids out the door on time without tears for a day. Or perhaps you appreciate a work meeting going well. Maybe you appreciate taking a few minutes of rest or reading a good book. Sharing with your partner in this way helps them understand what is important in your world and what you value. Your partner may also not even be aware of many of the tasks you feel good about in a day. This can help the invisible labor of a relationship become more visible.
Step 2: State one thing your partner did that day that you appreciate.
Look for opportunities to recognize your partner and how they make your day better. You might appreciate a task they take off your plate each day, even if it’s part of the daily routine, like taking out the trash, washing dishes, making a meal. You could highlight moments when your partner made you feel loved or cared for. Go out of your way to notice how hard your partner works. Express appreciation for your partner taking care of themselves. This helps your partner feel seen and valued in the relationship.
Step 3: State something about your shared life that you appreciate.
We work so hard to keep our lives going that we rarely pause to appreciate it all. Notice the small things you value about the life you’ve created together. This can be anything from working heat in your home to the big trip you’re planning. Maybe you appreciate having family nearby or a delicious dinner together. Maybe you celebrate something funny your kids did that day or the fact that you had the funds and energy to take them to the zoo.
Benefits of the 5-Minute Couple’s Gratitude Practice
This practice can profoundly change how you experience your world and move through your days. You will look for opportunities to celebrate yourself, your partner, and your life. You will focus more energy on the highlights each day and less on the tough moments. You’ll start to make choices that you can celebrate later.
Sharing this practice with your partner builds a culture of appreciation. Over time, both people will feel seen and valued. And the more we feel appreciated, the easier it becomes to show our appreciation.
Written by Suzanne J. Smith, Ph.D. for Lakefront Psychology, LLC Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, wellness perinatal mood, relationships, or parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling a consultation for an appointment with Dr. Smith, please email ssmith@lakefrontpsychology.com or use the contact fo