Loneliness hurts. It can lead to both emotional and physical suffering. Many people today are experiencing loneliness at higher levels than ever before. Research has consistently shown that contentment and physical well-being are strongly linked to having quality social support. This includes both a social circle of people we engage with regularly as well as a few intimate connections. When we are lacking either or both types of social support, we may feel isolated and empty. We have a natural human longing for meaningful connections.
It’s important to take a moment to understand the reason you feel lonely right now. What are you longing for? What kind of relationship do you feel will satisfy your social needs? Are you looking for a bigger social network or a few closer friends? What seems to get in the way of feeling connected?
Common Causes of Loneliness
Loss of a loved one. One common cause of loneliness is the loss of a close companion. When we’ve lost a person who was important to us, we feel an empty hole in our lives. Our lives become so entwined with our closest friends and partners. When they die or move away, we notice their absence throughout all these daily moments. Sometimes we miss their quiet presence, sharing events, or the hope of growing forward together. Processing this loss includes feeling the pain of loneliness. And this feeling may wax and wane for many years.
Unsatisfying social connections. We can often be in a crowd of people and still feel lonely. Perhaps we have a number of acquaintances, neighbors, and friendly faces in our lives but lack really close, intimate connections. We can feel left out of the in group whether it’s at work, the PTA crowd, or the club. In this era of social media, it is easy to notice when you are not invited to a social gathering and feel excluded, wondering who your real friends are. Sometimes our closest friends are no longer available to us in the same way. Perhaps they live far away, are busy with work, or are spending more time with family. Whatever the cause, we can sense a lack of intimate, safe friends with whom we can be our most authentic selves.
Recent rejection. Everyone feels rejection at some point or another. Feeling like someone you cared about has deliberately turned away is always painful. Not only do you miss this person in your life, you also may feel judged, criticized, and isolated. Loneliness rises as you wonder how you will have the courage to open up to someone else, to make those close bonds again. It can take a while to heal before you feel safe enough to let someone in again.
Trapped by logistics. There are often factors beyond our control which contribute to feeling loneliness. Perhaps you just had a new baby and are trapped by a rigid nap schedule. Perhaps you work swing shift or weekends, preventing opportunities to socialize when most people are off work. Perhaps you just moved someplace new and have to start from scratch to create a social network. All of these logistical factors can become barriers to making the social connections that combat loneliness.
Getting in our own way. Sometimes we feel lonely because of our own insecurities or anxieties. Developing meaningful social connections takes real effort. You have to be in social settings where you could meet people, make efforts to interact, and share yourself honestly. There is a degree of work and risk each step of the way. Many people struggle with social anxiety so that the discomfort of taking these risks seems to outweigh any benefit of social connection. Others may not like themselves much or trust that others will accept and appreciate them. Avoiding social connections may sound safer than these discomforts but results in even greater loneliness.
Steps to Reduce Loneliness
Be intentional about meeting your social needs. Once you’ve identified why you’re feeling lonely and what type of relationship you’re longing for, create a plan to gradually meet your needs. Reserve energy for this worthy effort. Make it a priority to focus on your relationships. Set goals for yourself and reward yourself for progress.
Perform acts of generosity and nurturing. When we reach out to care for someone else, we automatically feel more connected. Notice other people who may be in need of kindness and compassion. Send a thoughtful note or helping hand. Spend time caring for a child, animal, or even nature.
Join a group you find interesting. Many communities have free groups and programs available for a variety of interests. Follow your passions be it art, outdoor sports, family events, or reading. Consider volunteering for a cause you find meaningful and personal. Practice making small talk at these events and seeing who among the group might me interesting to get to know a little better. Know that you may need to try several groups before it feels like a fit.
Try deepening one relationship at a time. Choose one person you feel fairly comfortable with and take the risk to deepen this connection. Create an opportunity to get to know this person more outside of your typical interactions. Invite this person for a walk, coffee, or a private conversation. Expect that you may need to make this effort with a few people before you find someone you really click with.
Share more of yourself. The more we open up to others, the more comfortable they feel opening up to us. Be real and authentic as you take this risk to share yourself. Talk about your passions and acknowledge your human struggles. As others get to know the real you, they can feel at ease being their real selves too. And this is the foundation of intimacy.
Get help. If social anxiety or low self-esteem seems to be a persistent barrier to forming meaningful relationships, then therapy can be a helpful tool to begin this process of change. A therapist can help you understand your unhelpful patterns and gradually broaden your skill set.
Written by Suzanne Smith, Ph.D. for the Lakefront Psychology Blog. If you are interested in more original articles about mental health, postpartum issues, wellness, relationships, and parenting, please subscribe to the blog using the button below. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with Dr. Smith, please contact Lakefront Psychology at 216-870-9816.